It's been too long

After deciding that I really want to do some blogging of some sort again, I of course remembered my old site. There may not be any followers, but I still feel the love from this old place. I've been reading through my old updates and they really bring a smile to my face, as I remember the things that I've gone through and the lessons that I've learnt. In some ways I was reluctant to return, because I have changed so very much in the last year and I half I barely even recognise myself. But a part of changing is respecting where you've come from, and it's always good to see the difference.

So, a lot has changed. I did return to said boyfriend of my post, I even got engaged to him before we finally split up about a year earlier. It wasn't a bad break up, and it was my choice. I felt good about it, as good as you could feel anyway, until I started to get angry about the whole roller-coaster ride that he put me through, all of the times that I gave everything and got nothing in return, the things I couldn't even begin to put words to... I am still angry, sometimes, when we speak, and so I try to just avoid talking to him as much as possible. We haven't spoken face to face since then, and maybe that is for the best. I would be so sorely tempted to take that smile off his face with my fist...

But then, you always hate the ones that you loved the most. I'm glad there's no love left, but in a way it makes me sad that I've lost it. One day I'll have the feeling back, with someone that deserves my time.

But for now, I'm more than content being single. It has been a while, so sometimes it does get hard, but the friendships that I have keep me going and I remember how many times I felt like being in a relationship just wasn't worth it. Its not to say that I'll never be with anyone again, but you won't see me crying over simply having me, myself and I.

I also quit university. I was struggling, hating my course and hating the loneliness. I loved Liverpool and the city, but I just couldn't afford to stay there without my student loans. Even now I'm struggling to get my deposit and rent back from my old house and it has been far too long. So, to pass the time I've recently got a part-time temporary Christmas job in Argos. The hours are short, which really takes it out of the pay packages (not to mention that there's been a mix-up with the pay so I'm owed money on that side of things too) but the work is actually fun, it puts a smile on my face. I like to see things actually being done, a customer comes in and you take them through the system, and they leave having what they want. In maths, you worked and worked and nothing ever came of it. There was the thrill of having an answer, but if you didn't know whether it was right or not there was nothing gained from it, and as the days went on even that feeling went away.

So, that's my life. Of course there is more, but it's fireworks night and... I'm scared of fireworks, so I'm going to the shops before they start. TTFN <3

Watch this Space

I've pretty much lost the concept of time.

I woke again with my alarm for the pill, realising that I would never make it in time to my 11am tutorial when the alarm went off at 10.55, no matter how close my flat was to the University.

Catch up? On Tuesday night my world crashed around me as my boyfriend split up with me. First, I could feel a hole where an organ had been. Then it felt like it was filled with bricks, a painful solid mass that weighed an impossible amount. Then, today it turned to gravel, grating and feeling both like a hole and a heavy filling at the same time.

I had made an awful mistake last night, and in a moment of what I thought was clarity I asked him how he was on MSN. I wanted to know he was alright. His MSN screen-name was far too fitting to be ignored; 'it's only been a day, but it's like i can't go on. i just wanna say, i never meant to do you wrong.' I wanted to tell him he never did me wrong, to take care of himself, to manage.

The day went better than expected. Two of my friends weren't there, which I was actually glad about; it meant that the one friend that I could talk to about things that really matter in Liverpool was able to just talk to me. It felt good to say.

I've had support from friends, all accepted though some appreciated more than others. I couldn't help feeling a slight tingle up my spine as my last ex boyfriend and the boy who'd almost asked me out last time me and him split up both jumped in to help, knights in shining armour style. Their intentions may have been sincere, but I couldn't help feeling that it was not the help I wanted, and not purely selfless on their half.

But this all changed a few moments ago when he opened a MSN conversation.

He wants me back.

The explanation was sincere, the pain was real. Should I get so much perverse pleasure over the man I still am hopelessly in love with being in so much pain? Is it right that I've felt that I've finally got what I've been wanting from him after all this time; a painfully emotion that really shows how he cares?

I'm a drama junkie, a masochist at heart. I can't help wanting to keep these gravels where my heart should be, tearing me up inside just so I can feel something, just so I have something to battle. I've fought so hard the last two days, it seems so foolish to give up after so much effort, but then why was I fighting? To make him happy. That was the whole point of this charade, the mayrterdom; to make him happy.

For the first time through it all I thought about what I wanted.

Of course I want him, I love him. It's something stronger than the will to breath, than gravity or any laws of physics. But I've been hurt so badly, and I am so stubborn to just keep my head down and keep moving forward...

I need to know a few things from him. Will he let me know what he is thinking in future? Will he let me into his head every once in a while, stop the smiling and just be serious? Will it always be me who is left feeling like the guilty party, or could he take the blame a few times? These aren't answers I need to hear but feel, somehow.

I shall phone tonight, and wait until I am by his side.

A break-up or a reunion is nothing without a physical connection.