Filthy liar

I've just had an eye appointment. I've just made a doctors appointment and a hair appointment. And I told the optician that my health was fine. So what was I meant to say? That I have a doctors appointment for no reason? It kind of feels like that now, since I partly don't feel like I was lying when I said my health was fine.

I told them that I'd been having trouble seeing things due to stress, which is what I can understand to be true. But boy did I downplay it. I think the only reason why I don't say the line 'it's fine' more than I do because I write a character who goes through life saying that and it frustrates everyone around him. Some days there's little difference between myself and my characters.

I looked in the mirror today, looked at myself and imagined the shorter hair I missed. It is an odd feeling to muse about being a man while putting on makeup. Sometimes I think I'd make a better man than a woman, though by far it's not enough to justify doing anything or even thinking about it as a problem. As I said, I was putting on make up, I have jewelry, and while this is a once in a blue moon thing to do, it's also a once in a blue moon start.

I don't want to go to the doctors on Friday. I feel like it's nothing, maybe it is nothing. Surely it is pointless to go for something not only petty, but a feeling I've fought off for years. This isn't my first depression, nor will it be my last I hate to say. I have dealt before, but I've never faced anything quite like this before. I cut myself, surely that's the line to ask for help? But the only reason im excepting that as the line is because there are no other lines from now but the point of no return.

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Writing helps me a lot during the difficult times. I don't turn to writing because I feel that it helps, though. I turn to it because I feel that I need it. When I can't allow myself to have other breaks to this feeling, to stop myself from doing something as harmless as typing a few words would be stupid.

I have told two of my friends how far I've been going through this. I have strict orders to go to make a doctors app tomorrow, which is fair and good advice. And though I know it's right, I still want to talk myself out of it. I don't want to go. I feel like I known what they'll say anyway, but at the same time I don't know. Bit if someone can help break this I'll take that chance.

So, tomorrow is doctors and eye appointment. I hope at least one of them can help me.

Ive found I'm even suffering at work. I feel lost, unwilling to take on more jobs especially when they include talking to the customer. And I live in a place where 'alright' is a greeting. No, thank you, I'm not alright.

At least I've been talking to my friends in Liverpool. I think the chance to live with at least one of them might be really achievable. The hard part is of course getting the job in the first place. Difficult while you don't live there and websites have much to be desired.

I still need to check out pgl for a job. Apparently they offer accommodation with a job. I'll look into it now.