The trouble with healing

I went to the doctors today. I feel like I've both achieved a lot and nothing at all. She asked me if I would like a counsellor but I was skeptical. Talking never really ever has done anything but make my depression worse, the last thing I need is to face more. I have been given some anti-depressants, which I've been told to seriously consider before I take them since most people end up staying on them for a year. With my history of depression, I imagine mine may be even longer. So, two steps forwards, two steps back.

I've realised something strange, though. Cutting was the line I said I had crossed and so needed help. There is plenty of help sites on the Internet, though all seem particularly patronising... But when it comes to help with self harm I found myself confused. I found an online leaflet which had the title 'this is or those unhappy with their self harming' and it made me think... Am I unhappy with self harming?

My doctor told me she would never ask someone to stop cutting if it helped them do more serious things. And right now I do want the depression to go away, I need it to so desperately. But self harm is the only thing that makes me smile, laugh, able to sleep and get through the next day. I don't want to be reliant on something so harmful, but it's my one pleasure in life that I have right now.

I want to stop being in a place where I feel the need to cut, but I don't want to stop my guilty pleasure. I hate being reliant on it, but I love it so.

But I would like to be able to wear a swimming costume... Though with the amount of bruises on my legs from work a couple of cuts wouldn't be noticeable at all.

Filthy liar

I've just had an eye appointment. I've just made a doctors appointment and a hair appointment. And I told the optician that my health was fine. So what was I meant to say? That I have a doctors appointment for no reason? It kind of feels like that now, since I partly don't feel like I was lying when I said my health was fine.

I told them that I'd been having trouble seeing things due to stress, which is what I can understand to be true. But boy did I downplay it. I think the only reason why I don't say the line 'it's fine' more than I do because I write a character who goes through life saying that and it frustrates everyone around him. Some days there's little difference between myself and my characters.

I looked in the mirror today, looked at myself and imagined the shorter hair I missed. It is an odd feeling to muse about being a man while putting on makeup. Sometimes I think I'd make a better man than a woman, though by far it's not enough to justify doing anything or even thinking about it as a problem. As I said, I was putting on make up, I have jewelry, and while this is a once in a blue moon thing to do, it's also a once in a blue moon start.

I don't want to go to the doctors on Friday. I feel like it's nothing, maybe it is nothing. Surely it is pointless to go for something not only petty, but a feeling I've fought off for years. This isn't my first depression, nor will it be my last I hate to say. I have dealt before, but I've never faced anything quite like this before. I cut myself, surely that's the line to ask for help? But the only reason im excepting that as the line is because there are no other lines from now but the point of no return.