It has been a while since i've done my blog. I've just got off the phone with my counseller - yes, after many months of refusing I have finally given into taking a counsellors advice. It was something I was dubious about because of work - work is my happy place, and anything that interfeers with that is not worth mentionomg. I worked a way around it though, and now all of my counselling is phone calls. Which brings me to my main point.
My counsellor suggested creating an activity log, a recording of my time. Right now, I have no idea where all my time seems to go, so it will definitely be good to see. So the next few blogs will be used as that. I've also been given homework - I didn't have the heart to warn her how terrible I am at homework, and how that is the reason I failed university. But, though it defeats the point, proving to her that I can do it will hopefully be enough drive to work - even if I end up doing it at the last minute.
So, 11.30-12 - writing a blog.
30 September, 2011
07 January, 2011
The trouble with healing
I went to the doctors today. I feel like I've both achieved a lot and nothing at all. She asked me if I would like a counsellor but I was skeptical. Talking never really ever has done anything but make my depression worse, the last thing I need is to face more. I have been given some anti-depressants, which I've been told to seriously consider before I take them since most people end up staying on them for a year. With my history of depression, I imagine mine may be even longer. So, two steps forwards, two steps back.
I've realised something strange, though. Cutting was the line I said I had crossed and so needed help. There is plenty of help sites on the Internet, though all seem particularly patronising... But when it comes to help with self harm I found myself confused. I found an online leaflet which had the title 'this is or those unhappy with their self harming' and it made me think... Am I unhappy with self harming?
My doctor told me she would never ask someone to stop cutting if it helped them do more serious things. And right now I do want the depression to go away, I need it to so desperately. But self harm is the only thing that makes me smile, laugh, able to sleep and get through the next day. I don't want to be reliant on something so harmful, but it's my one pleasure in life that I have right now.
I want to stop being in a place where I feel the need to cut, but I don't want to stop my guilty pleasure. I hate being reliant on it, but I love it so.
But I would like to be able to wear a swimming costume... Though with the amount of bruises on my legs from work a couple of cuts wouldn't be noticeable at all.
I've realised something strange, though. Cutting was the line I said I had crossed and so needed help. There is plenty of help sites on the Internet, though all seem particularly patronising... But when it comes to help with self harm I found myself confused. I found an online leaflet which had the title 'this is or those unhappy with their self harming' and it made me think... Am I unhappy with self harming?
My doctor told me she would never ask someone to stop cutting if it helped them do more serious things. And right now I do want the depression to go away, I need it to so desperately. But self harm is the only thing that makes me smile, laugh, able to sleep and get through the next day. I don't want to be reliant on something so harmful, but it's my one pleasure in life that I have right now.
I want to stop being in a place where I feel the need to cut, but I don't want to stop my guilty pleasure. I hate being reliant on it, but I love it so.
But I would like to be able to wear a swimming costume... Though with the amount of bruises on my legs from work a couple of cuts wouldn't be noticeable at all.
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