Waiting for my results has got me amazingly stressed out. I'm counting down the hours, trying to think of something to do. I've been down the street, I've been on my laptop, been on my PS2 to try and beat some worthless demons out of my anxiety. I even tried to attempt at least the beginnings of an impossible, double-sided soduko jigsaw puzzle. The box says its impossible, but I suspect it's impossible not because it's a black and white, 529-piece jigsaw, but each of the pieces can fit together almost perfectly! That distraction did not last long.
My latest distraction was to go back onto my laptop and check if my student finance had all checked out, but then I've found that the website is down, typically. It's rather worrying that the people who are in charge of all my money can't even keep a website running.
Once online, I began talking to my friend on MSN. I was angry, anxious and I needed a rant. The conversation started out pretty normally, until the subject of the results came up. I told her that I was nervous, and she said she wasn't so much. "Yeah, its lucky for u i mean... uv almost already garenteed ur place + even if it all doesn't work out it doesn't make that much difference; you'll still be in the same place, with the same ppl".
I'd like to say that I'd forgotten the unfortunate circumstances which had lead her into getting such a good place close to home, but I was just in too much of a bad mood to let them affect my rant. She quickly reminded me, leaving me feeling guilty. I wanted to apologise over and over... but for some reason I just can't. I'm still so tense that I can't think properly, and I know that the less time dwelling on that subject would probably be best. I said I was sorry, but I still feel so badly.
I'm much too two-faced with this friend, anyway. I understand that sometimes she annoys me, and sometimes it boils me up inside, especially when I remember one awful thing she did to me on one terrible night. Other little things annoy me about her as well. But as much as these things get in the way, I know that apart from my boyfriend she is definitely my best friend and just about the only one I can talk to about just about anything. Even my boyfriend can't do that that well.
Now I'm in one of those moods where I feel terrible, with terrible nausea, but I'm purposefully not doing anything that I know can help me. Instead I turn in upon myself, attacking myself with guilt and more reasons to be guilty. Time has just slowed down completely to me... I still have six hours left of this day. I intend to stay awake until my results are on the internet; or at least my acceptance or denial into Manchester.
Wish me luck x x x x
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