Filthy liar

I've just had an eye appointment. I've just made a doctors appointment and a hair appointment. And I told the optician that my health was fine. So what was I meant to say? That I have a doctors appointment for no reason? It kind of feels like that now, since I partly don't feel like I was lying when I said my health was fine.

I told them that I'd been having trouble seeing things due to stress, which is what I can understand to be true. But boy did I downplay it. I think the only reason why I don't say the line 'it's fine' more than I do because I write a character who goes through life saying that and it frustrates everyone around him. Some days there's little difference between myself and my characters.

I looked in the mirror today, looked at myself and imagined the shorter hair I missed. It is an odd feeling to muse about being a man while putting on makeup. Sometimes I think I'd make a better man than a woman, though by far it's not enough to justify doing anything or even thinking about it as a problem. As I said, I was putting on make up, I have jewelry, and while this is a once in a blue moon thing to do, it's also a once in a blue moon start.

I don't want to go to the doctors on Friday. I feel like it's nothing, maybe it is nothing. Surely it is pointless to go for something not only petty, but a feeling I've fought off for years. This isn't my first depression, nor will it be my last I hate to say. I have dealt before, but I've never faced anything quite like this before. I cut myself, surely that's the line to ask for help? But the only reason im excepting that as the line is because there are no other lines from now but the point of no return.