The Rock

I've been thinking a lot about going to university and living far away from Karl, especially over this last weekend when Karl's been away. He was only away for the weekend, but it was still quite a shock to both of us; we both missed each other but in different ways. I missed him in the way that when I think of him I can almost feel his arms around me again, and get excited and anxious about when we'll next meet - an optimistic missing. Karl's more pessimistic; he seemed to me like in a self-destructive missing, thinking only of how terrible it was to be apart, rather then how good it was to be together.

When I think of it that way, my way seems a lot more productive, but in reality it just makes me feel guilty for not feeling as heart-broken as he was. I was resisting the urge to just tell him, "Karl! It was only a weekend!".

As we were walking from the train-station back to my house he told me "That was only the weekend, how are we going to last when you go to university?" It was a horrible thought to me because I confess that that 'break' was not completely good for me, either, for a different reason. I have a very different reaction to absence then him.

When I was alone tonight I decided to write a story about the different sorts of loves we have. The two characters inside were loosely based on me and Karl, set when I was in Uni in the middle of a long patch of not seeing one another. It explains that my love is like an animal which needs constant affection in order to stay healthy and alive; absence does not make my heart grow stronger until they are back. Only then do I realise just how much I missed him. Karl is different, and probably more normal. His love grows with his missing, as he creates in his mind of me being better then I actually am, becoming more hurt every day by the image. This is only an idea, however. Knowing my assumptions, it's probably all wrong.

We've always known that we argue more when we've been apart too long, instead of the usual reaction of annoying one another with being there too much.


So university will be a difficult time for both of us. I don't even know if I'll get into Manchester until Thursday, but there's enough likelihood to scare both of us. In the story I wrote, both characters get drunk and seduced, but both resist due to each others help; although it had a happy ending, it still upset me to write it, especially with the image of some floozy blond kissing 'Karl'.

But now I'm secure and happier. I came to a sudden realisation, when I was wondering if we're strong enough. It actually has very little to do with strength. The strength is important to back you up, but lasting through university is mostly about pure stubbornness. And there's no couple more stubborn then us.