After deciding that I really want to do some blogging of some sort again, I of course remembered my old site. There may not be any followers, but I still feel the love from this old place. I've been reading through my old updates and they really bring a smile to my face, as I remember the things that I've gone through and the lessons that I've learnt. In some ways I was reluctant to return, because I have changed so very much in the last year and I half I barely even recognise myself. But a part of changing is respecting where you've come from, and it's always good to see the difference.
So, a lot has changed. I did return to said boyfriend of my post, I even got engaged to him before we finally split up about a year earlier. It wasn't a bad break up, and it was my choice. I felt good about it, as good as you could feel anyway, until I started to get angry about the whole roller-coaster ride that he put me through, all of the times that I gave everything and got nothing in return, the things I couldn't even begin to put words to... I am still angry, sometimes, when we speak, and so I try to just avoid talking to him as much as possible. We haven't spoken face to face since then, and maybe that is for the best. I would be so sorely tempted to take that smile off his face with my fist...
But then, you always hate the ones that you loved the most. I'm glad there's no love left, but in a way it makes me sad that I've lost it. One day I'll have the feeling back, with someone that deserves my time.
But for now, I'm more than content being single. It has been a while, so sometimes it does get hard, but the friendships that I have keep me going and I remember how many times I felt like being in a relationship just wasn't worth it. Its not to say that I'll never be with anyone again, but you won't see me crying over simply having me, myself and I.
I also quit university. I was struggling, hating my course and hating the loneliness. I loved Liverpool and the city, but I just couldn't afford to stay there without my student loans. Even now I'm struggling to get my deposit and rent back from my old house and it has been far too long. So, to pass the time I've recently got a part-time temporary Christmas job in Argos. The hours are short, which really takes it out of the pay packages (not to mention that there's been a mix-up with the pay so I'm owed money on that side of things too) but the work is actually fun, it puts a smile on my face. I like to see things actually being done, a customer comes in and you take them through the system, and they leave having what they want. In maths, you worked and worked and nothing ever came of it. There was the thrill of having an answer, but if you didn't know whether it was right or not there was nothing gained from it, and as the days went on even that feeling went away.
So, that's my life. Of course there is more, but it's fireworks night and... I'm scared of fireworks, so I'm going to the shops before they start. TTFN <3
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