I went to the doctors today. I feel like I've both achieved a lot and nothing at all. She asked me if I would like a counsellor but I was skeptical. Talking never really ever has done anything but make my depression worse, the last thing I need is to face more. I have been given some anti-depressants, which I've been told to seriously consider before I take them since most people end up staying on them for a year. With my history of depression, I imagine mine may be even longer. So, two steps forwards, two steps back.
I've realised something strange, though. Cutting was the line I said I had crossed and so needed help. There is plenty of help sites on the Internet, though all seem particularly patronising... But when it comes to help with self harm I found myself confused. I found an online leaflet which had the title 'this is or those unhappy with their self harming' and it made me think... Am I unhappy with self harming?
My doctor told me she would never ask someone to stop cutting if it helped them do more serious things. And right now I do want the depression to go away, I need it to so desperately. But self harm is the only thing that makes me smile, laugh, able to sleep and get through the next day. I don't want to be reliant on something so harmful, but it's my one pleasure in life that I have right now.
I want to stop being in a place where I feel the need to cut, but I don't want to stop my guilty pleasure. I hate being reliant on it, but I love it so.
But I would like to be able to wear a swimming costume... Though with the amount of bruises on my legs from work a couple of cuts wouldn't be noticeable at all.
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