New year

And so we welcome a new year, 2011, a time for thinking back on our last year and thinking forwards to how the next will be far better. At least, thats the theory. This year has been one which I'm not proud to look back on, just as this is the year I look back to every other year and quite frankly I'm ashamed of what little and how much I have done.

Now would be the good point to turn around and say how I could make the next year the best ever, the new years resolutions which let us fool ourselves that we might move forwards. I have never felt so low about myself, my future, my present... I have no aim, very little that I am responsible for and all around me my friends struggle with the real world problems that have yet again skimmed past me and left me feeling numb. I almost feel jealous of their pain.

I'm sorry for ending the year on a bad note, so let's think of what is to come.

Next year I turn 21, next year I will hopefully have somewhere to live and a job. Next year, just a few hours away, seems so long a wait until it starts.

So here's to another year, just like the other year. I hope to be asleep by midnight but the rate I'm going it seems doubtful. See you next year

To Blog or Vlog?

So, I've been scanning youtube and it recommends me these cute little funny blog videos. I love them, and would love to do one.

Then I remember that I hardly keep up to date with my blog. Hm.

Yeah, I know, I'm a lazy so-and-so. Well, not so much lazy as... ok, yes, lazy. But I have been doing some things. I've just managed to get a new skin on our amazing rping forum, and it's looking fantastic! I'm so proud of our work, it was great teamwork I have to say. Also, I managed to sell and send off my xbox and ds, got a pretty decent price for them both too so I can't complain on that front :D

Wow, Hm, I was thinking this would end up much longer. The one time I have some actual things that happen to me and it ends up making my blog half the length as usual. Do I really just ramble that much?

Yes, Dani, you do.

Baby Internet

The internet is a magical place where you can look for one thing and find something completely different. I was looking at College Humour, which is a brilliant site with really funny videos. One of these was about 'Four Loco', which I had to check to Wikipedia page about. Wikipedia is running another appeal for money, and the article about this said it was the 5th biggest website on the internet. Curious, I went to see what the others were, bringing me to this page; Google Top 1000 of which I saw that blogger.com was quite high up and so leading me here.

Small world, huh?

But the strange thing is that it is a small world, or at least a small internet. You think of the internet as some great thing, and it's so strange that you see the sites on this list and within my lifetime I've seen these sites go from nothing to 'that looks cool' to multi-billionaire corporations. Hell, I still remember the days where facebook sucked compared to bebo!

I still find it strange to think of the internet as being as old as it is, though. I am young, and I remember a time when I didn't have internet, but it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that some of these sites have been around for longer than ten years, and more that that you've been on them for so long. The first website that I have a real track of my use is neopets, where I have an account which is six and a half years ago... six and a half years may not sound too long sometimes, but other times it seems like an eternity.

It almost makes me think.... what the hell are we actually still doing? We've had ipods for the past 4 years, phones which can use internet for the last three, broadband for about four or five... in the years before these it seemed that everything moved so quickly, we created new things all the time. Have we just stopped creating, just spending all our efforts on making what we have better? And these constant improvements seem don't seem to be things necessarily better. I won't mention a certain phone of i...

So what has the last five years or so given us recently? A flat sheet which costs the earth and does the exact same as a tiny laptop? Everything a little faster and a little more broken?

Still, as much as I hate that we aren't changing there is a sense of place when you look at the list of the top sites and get a certain warmth from recognising the ones which you were a part of, the ones that you helped make great.

A free weekend

I've been working at my local Argos for just over a month now. When I say that I enjoy it, people seem to give me such a blank stare, turn and laugh and say something along the lines of 'just wait until you get into it'. But it's been a month now and I'm feeling more comfortable but enjoying it no less. It's always different, but still the same things. It's really a job that I enjoy, the right amount of repetition and real work. I am a good thinker, I know that I am an intelligent girl, but that doesn't mean that I want to actually use this for a job, I have enough of using my head outside of my work. I like to write and read, I like to learn new things about science, but I don't want these things to be a job.

Whenever I have time off it seems a shame. I actually don't have much of a social life outside of work and my computer and it's nice to see some people, co-workers and customers (even the ones I'm glad to see the back of). It may only be part-time, I may only be able to get a few hours a week, but I keep wanting more, for money and for being able to say that I'm doing something worthwhile.

This is a weekend off for me, the first weekend off in a while. I got the nickname 'Sunday Stealer' after three weeks in a row I managed to be given other people's Sunday shift. And now I'm off for a Sunday, and a Saturday, and even a Monday. There's not a lot left for me to do except go back to my old way of sitting in front of the computer watching the time go by unnoticed.

But the reasons why this weekend was different was because it was the first one I smiled at the idea of having free time. It wasn't because I'm worn out, because I've only worked two days in the last seven days and been doing so very little in the time-being. And it's not that I've lost my enjoyment for my new job either, it just feels... nice to have time off.

Having a job really does teach you what a 'day off' means. When you have no work, every day you find a job, I have a website which I continue to pour my heart and soul into and that while I had no job was my job, and something like that you never have a day off. But now with Argos, I have real job, and the site can go back to being my enjoyment.

So, in conclusion...
#I'm living for the weekend!#

Oh, and check it out - http://shop.ebay.co.uk/diviniongc/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=25
Shameless advertising, I know. But I'm trying to sell my xbox 360, my DS and a few books. I've been still finding it a big struggle with money so I do need these sold. <3

Just another l*zy day

Today is a day of rest, actually its almost a week of rest, but it seems that it's a day too late.

As I mentioned last time, the fireworks were on the Saturday and I would like the say that I was calm and collected but really I wasn't. The fear of being scared was more overwhelming than my actual phobia, and it ended up with me being very.... very frighteningly quiet. And when I did speak my words were fast and disjointed. Every time I heard a bang I would look to the window, even though the curtains were closed, and not be able to move until I knew that there wasn't going to be another. My senses were alert and driving me insane. I was terrified. I ended up going down to my local supermarket, just for something to do because I couldn't stay in the house while I could hear them.

I managed to sleep quite early, even while I could still hear them outside. It just got to the point where I was too tired to be scared, because the adrenaline had completely worn me out. I didn't sleep well, and I was at work the next morning. I was half awake for the first hour or so, before remembered what had made me so tired, and then I was on edge. I remember holding the keys so tightly that my hands would hurt, just to try to force myself to calm down. By afternoon I was fine, though.

So today's day off is a day too late, but I suppose I can't complain about having worked yesterday. It was supposed to be someone else's shift, and I have officially been dubbed 'Sunday Stealer' at work because three times in a row now I have taken someone else's Sunday shift that they did not want. But Sundays are time and a half, so I love them.

But my problem is that I'm not working until Friday. It seems strange that I've gone from being completely unemployed with nothing to do but sit in front of the computer for weeks, and now the idea of four days off in a row is so daunting. I'm worried about not getting enough money, about not having enough social interaction, about having nothing to do. I will manage, the days go by easier than you could ever hope I know, but I would still rather be doing something with my time.

It's been too long

After deciding that I really want to do some blogging of some sort again, I of course remembered my old site. There may not be any followers, but I still feel the love from this old place. I've been reading through my old updates and they really bring a smile to my face, as I remember the things that I've gone through and the lessons that I've learnt. In some ways I was reluctant to return, because I have changed so very much in the last year and I half I barely even recognise myself. But a part of changing is respecting where you've come from, and it's always good to see the difference.

So, a lot has changed. I did return to said boyfriend of my post, I even got engaged to him before we finally split up about a year earlier. It wasn't a bad break up, and it was my choice. I felt good about it, as good as you could feel anyway, until I started to get angry about the whole roller-coaster ride that he put me through, all of the times that I gave everything and got nothing in return, the things I couldn't even begin to put words to... I am still angry, sometimes, when we speak, and so I try to just avoid talking to him as much as possible. We haven't spoken face to face since then, and maybe that is for the best. I would be so sorely tempted to take that smile off his face with my fist...

But then, you always hate the ones that you loved the most. I'm glad there's no love left, but in a way it makes me sad that I've lost it. One day I'll have the feeling back, with someone that deserves my time.

But for now, I'm more than content being single. It has been a while, so sometimes it does get hard, but the friendships that I have keep me going and I remember how many times I felt like being in a relationship just wasn't worth it. Its not to say that I'll never be with anyone again, but you won't see me crying over simply having me, myself and I.

I also quit university. I was struggling, hating my course and hating the loneliness. I loved Liverpool and the city, but I just couldn't afford to stay there without my student loans. Even now I'm struggling to get my deposit and rent back from my old house and it has been far too long. So, to pass the time I've recently got a part-time temporary Christmas job in Argos. The hours are short, which really takes it out of the pay packages (not to mention that there's been a mix-up with the pay so I'm owed money on that side of things too) but the work is actually fun, it puts a smile on my face. I like to see things actually being done, a customer comes in and you take them through the system, and they leave having what they want. In maths, you worked and worked and nothing ever came of it. There was the thrill of having an answer, but if you didn't know whether it was right or not there was nothing gained from it, and as the days went on even that feeling went away.

So, that's my life. Of course there is more, but it's fireworks night and... I'm scared of fireworks, so I'm going to the shops before they start. TTFN <3