I've been in the University of Liverpool for just under a weak now and I'm absolutely loving it. I'm living in a flat with only two other people, and we're really close already - none of us can get over just how little time it has been since we got here. The night life is brilliant, and the guild is literally a one minuit walk away! How could it possibly be bad...?
Well, a couple of things, really...
My last post was complaining about my friend who hadn't told me all night what was happening. She explained that her phone was out of network, which didn't really explain how she couldn't just use the home phone or someone elses. Then, last night, she did it again. She told me it was because her room mate had all her friends around and she had to keep an eye on them, while she was on the phone to her Dad all night, but it still doesn't explain why she couldn't send one measly text. This is supposedly my best friend, and I just wish she hadn't come here. I feel like I should give her the benifit of the doubt and trust her, but I'm just sick of it all.
Also, Karl not being here is really starting to get to me now. I'm one step away from walking up to someone and asking for a hug, because I miss his so much. Still, I'll be back home on the 10th, and a rhythm should start on monday. That should help take my mind off stuff, right?
27 September, 2008
20 September, 2008
Please.... Just don't make me say it...
It's the night before I leave for university and I'm crying on my bed, alone.
Why?
There was meant to be a big get together with my friend and her boyfriend with me and mine. I'd already got the dates wrong, thinking it might have been yesterday, so I made sure that I texted her early in the day so I would have a chance for her to reply. I know she doesn't have signal in her house so I wasn't surprised that she didn't reply. It was starting to get late, though, and I was even trying to stay on MSN and see if she was there, but to no avail.
At 8.30 I began to get annoyed and phoned up her house. Her dad told me that she was in the shower, I assumed it would be getting ready to go out. He said she would tell her to call me back. 3/4s of an hour went past with no word, so I called again. I was greeted again with her father, who told me she was on her way to the metrocenter of all places and apparently she'd told him that she'd already called back!
So I tried her mobile. For once, it was in signal, but after a while of phoning I heard a busy background, then silence. She'd hung up on me. That really hurt. I tried again and after a while it went to voicemail.
All the while I was hovering around the house, looking for things to do and waiting for some sort of reply. I was telling my mum and her boyfriend, and when they heard they told me it was disgraceful - leaving me on my last night in Hexham with no clue what to do. That was apparently not what I wanted to hear because I suddenly started crying. I ran back upstairs before they could see, texting her to call me when she could. She still hasn't.
I've been wanting to cry for a while. I think another bit that sparked me off was when I was talking about what I could do if my friend wasn't coming. I had to see Karl, but I didn't want to wait that long, and I really didn't want to go out again. To be honest, I didn't even want to see Karl. I still don't. I just want to be able to text him and say 'See you in a month'. I really don't want to say goodbye, and its making my tears come back just thinking about it. This is it - 100% goodbye for so long, without any chance of seeing him again before I go, and I just can't face that.
Please don't make me....
Why?
There was meant to be a big get together with my friend and her boyfriend with me and mine. I'd already got the dates wrong, thinking it might have been yesterday, so I made sure that I texted her early in the day so I would have a chance for her to reply. I know she doesn't have signal in her house so I wasn't surprised that she didn't reply. It was starting to get late, though, and I was even trying to stay on MSN and see if she was there, but to no avail.
At 8.30 I began to get annoyed and phoned up her house. Her dad told me that she was in the shower, I assumed it would be getting ready to go out. He said she would tell her to call me back. 3/4s of an hour went past with no word, so I called again. I was greeted again with her father, who told me she was on her way to the metrocenter of all places and apparently she'd told him that she'd already called back!
So I tried her mobile. For once, it was in signal, but after a while of phoning I heard a busy background, then silence. She'd hung up on me. That really hurt. I tried again and after a while it went to voicemail.
All the while I was hovering around the house, looking for things to do and waiting for some sort of reply. I was telling my mum and her boyfriend, and when they heard they told me it was disgraceful - leaving me on my last night in Hexham with no clue what to do. That was apparently not what I wanted to hear because I suddenly started crying. I ran back upstairs before they could see, texting her to call me when she could. She still hasn't.
I've been wanting to cry for a while. I think another bit that sparked me off was when I was talking about what I could do if my friend wasn't coming. I had to see Karl, but I didn't want to wait that long, and I really didn't want to go out again. To be honest, I didn't even want to see Karl. I still don't. I just want to be able to text him and say 'See you in a month'. I really don't want to say goodbye, and its making my tears come back just thinking about it. This is it - 100% goodbye for so long, without any chance of seeing him again before I go, and I just can't face that.
Please don't make me....
19 September, 2008
#I'm leaving today...#
Wow. This is really amazing. Today is saturday, 18.11, and on sunday morning I'm finally moving out of my home and beginning University. That's probably about 24 hours of awake time... maybe. Well, probably about 20 hours, if I can sleep on saturday night. My God, tonight is probably the last night I can sleep here in comfort, as my actual home, without being like a child on Christmas Eve.
I'm excited at the moment. I keep swapping between being insanely frightened to insanely excited. I'm getting pretty emotional about leaving my boyfriend for so long, though he really doesn't seem to understand why I'm like this. He even went so far as to call it 'ridiculous'.
I explained that it's mostly because I've expected him to just be near me for so long. Whenever I'm in a bad situation, or I'm feeling really shy about talking to people I don't know, my brain screams 'Where are you, Karl?" and he won't be there.
I can see how I'm being completely over the top. He explains how we're not exactly splitting up, we'll still be close emotionally and I'll be back soon anyway. My original plan was to be back for our one year anniversary, October 5th, but that seems much too soon. I'll have to see how I go. I'm meant to be baack for the 5th for our anniversary, 13th for my mums birthday, 31st for a halloween party and november 5th for a reunion with all my school friends. It seems that everything I'd been promised was fake; even if I'm leaving home and starting a whole new life, I'll still always be tied right back to here. Sometimes I feel like just cutting them all off - my boyfriend included - and trying to start afresh. In other words, run away.
No where seems to be mine anymore. My room is a bomb-site because its packed with bags and no cupboards because my sister took them for her room. She also demands that she should be able to stay in it whenever she wants. My room at my Nan's house doesn't have a bed in anymore because I'm getting a single bed instead of my double. The room that feels most like my own is actually Karl's, and that's not even mine!
I wish he could just be upset for me. I guess it stems from when we broke up for a few weeks in Febuary. We broke up all too "nicely". There were no tears or arguments and we did it so civally it felt like it had all meant nothing. Some things need to be cried at. It sounds so selfish but I just want to see him somehow hurt by this, otherwise it feels I'm just.... dispensible.
But I digress. The only way I can get through any of this is by thinking positively and excitedly. I'm going to meet all knew people and find out finally who I am without the cliches and standardising I've been put through all my life. It's my dream, and I think possibly the secret dream of most women; You walk in your old job or school and everyone notices and is amazed to see who you really are. This is my chance to make that real.
#I'm leaving today. Livin' it. Leavin' it to change.
Packing all my bags, I'm finally on the move.#
I'm excited at the moment. I keep swapping between being insanely frightened to insanely excited. I'm getting pretty emotional about leaving my boyfriend for so long, though he really doesn't seem to understand why I'm like this. He even went so far as to call it 'ridiculous'.
I explained that it's mostly because I've expected him to just be near me for so long. Whenever I'm in a bad situation, or I'm feeling really shy about talking to people I don't know, my brain screams 'Where are you, Karl?" and he won't be there.
I can see how I'm being completely over the top. He explains how we're not exactly splitting up, we'll still be close emotionally and I'll be back soon anyway. My original plan was to be back for our one year anniversary, October 5th, but that seems much too soon. I'll have to see how I go. I'm meant to be baack for the 5th for our anniversary, 13th for my mums birthday, 31st for a halloween party and november 5th for a reunion with all my school friends. It seems that everything I'd been promised was fake; even if I'm leaving home and starting a whole new life, I'll still always be tied right back to here. Sometimes I feel like just cutting them all off - my boyfriend included - and trying to start afresh. In other words, run away.
No where seems to be mine anymore. My room is a bomb-site because its packed with bags and no cupboards because my sister took them for her room. She also demands that she should be able to stay in it whenever she wants. My room at my Nan's house doesn't have a bed in anymore because I'm getting a single bed instead of my double. The room that feels most like my own is actually Karl's, and that's not even mine!
I wish he could just be upset for me. I guess it stems from when we broke up for a few weeks in Febuary. We broke up all too "nicely". There were no tears or arguments and we did it so civally it felt like it had all meant nothing. Some things need to be cried at. It sounds so selfish but I just want to see him somehow hurt by this, otherwise it feels I'm just.... dispensible.
But I digress. The only way I can get through any of this is by thinking positively and excitedly. I'm going to meet all knew people and find out finally who I am without the cliches and standardising I've been put through all my life. It's my dream, and I think possibly the secret dream of most women; You walk in your old job or school and everyone notices and is amazed to see who you really are. This is my chance to make that real.
#I'm leaving today. Livin' it. Leavin' it to change.
Packing all my bags, I'm finally on the move.#
02 September, 2008
A New Leaf
A lot has changed for me recently, over the last month. Yesterday was truly a starting point for me and a new life, being the first of the month.
Firstly, over the last month I am officially no longer an 'A-Level Student', but now a 'University Student'. I got a ABC in Maths, English Lit. and Physics (in that order) and a c in my further maths AS-Level. This was, unfortunately, not enough for me to get into Manchester, my university of choice, but instead I'm going to Liverpool University to study Pure Mathematics. I've always been very interested in that course, though a little worried that my sister is at the same uni. Now, however, I'm just so excited to get away! On the 21st I'll be out of here! I've already got just about everything I need, my accomodation has been sorted out and so have my student finances.... vaguely. The Student Loans Company is amazingly slow, and hasn't processed the form that says I'm going to Liverpool instead of Manchester yet. I was going to phone them yesterday, but I found myself busy with friends. I was also going to phone them today, but I had a migrane this morning, and I'm still feeling pretty bad from it.
As a stab at this new responsibility, I have began a student money diary. Basically, I have to write down every amount of money that I spend - it'll hopefully help curb my spendings and make it clear when money goes in and out of my account. Both very important.
Tomorow, as well as shouting at the SLC I also need to hand in my notice at my work. It's a real shame because I've genuinely enjoyed working there. It's even more annoying knowing that I'm moving to where their head-office is situated, but because they don't actually have any shops there I can't transfer.
It feels like life's going so fast suddenly and just leaving me behind. All the while going away just seems like such a long time away.
Firstly, over the last month I am officially no longer an 'A-Level Student', but now a 'University Student'. I got a ABC in Maths, English Lit. and Physics (in that order) and a c in my further maths AS-Level. This was, unfortunately, not enough for me to get into Manchester, my university of choice, but instead I'm going to Liverpool University to study Pure Mathematics. I've always been very interested in that course, though a little worried that my sister is at the same uni. Now, however, I'm just so excited to get away! On the 21st I'll be out of here! I've already got just about everything I need, my accomodation has been sorted out and so have my student finances.... vaguely. The Student Loans Company is amazingly slow, and hasn't processed the form that says I'm going to Liverpool instead of Manchester yet. I was going to phone them yesterday, but I found myself busy with friends. I was also going to phone them today, but I had a migrane this morning, and I'm still feeling pretty bad from it.
As a stab at this new responsibility, I have began a student money diary. Basically, I have to write down every amount of money that I spend - it'll hopefully help curb my spendings and make it clear when money goes in and out of my account. Both very important.
Tomorow, as well as shouting at the SLC I also need to hand in my notice at my work. It's a real shame because I've genuinely enjoyed working there. It's even more annoying knowing that I'm moving to where their head-office is situated, but because they don't actually have any shops there I can't transfer.
It feels like life's going so fast suddenly and just leaving me behind. All the while going away just seems like such a long time away.
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