This weekend has been a strange one.
I've been acting pretty differently, this weekend, because of this Friday. I was talking to my friends, and they were all saying that they were getting together to go to the metrocenter (a big shopping mall), which isn't too unusual. They live really far from me, and I should really be able to accept this, but I really wanted to go. I thought it would be pointless, it was already 11 on Friday, and it takes 5 hours to get there, and another to get back, so I didn't think I'd even be able to arrive on time.
Then I found out that there was a train at 03.38.
That's right, at 11 o'clock on Friday night, I decided to get a train at half three in the morning. I'd like to say it was completely impulsive and I was instantly sure, but that would be a completely lie. I ended up needing people to convince me after a few hours, and I only decided yes when my boyfriend jokingly texted me 'I dare you to come'.
It was meant to be a surprise for my friends, but in the end it turned out no one was surprised. I told my boyfriend on the phone, unable to contain my excitement. One of my friends rarely goes into Hexham, as he is in Sunderland University, so although he didn't know I would be there, he didn't particularly know otherwise. And that friend told my other friend. I was slightly annoyed I managed to surprise no one, especially considering how surprised I was that I was actually doing it. I usually need to come up with some sort of plan for weeks before I do anything, and I was panicking all the way through.
I've been pretty happy all weekend as a consequence of this. There's been no built up expectation, so no let down. It's been fresh, and exciting, and completely worth it.
I came closer then ever to consciously skipping a lesson today. For some reason, I really, really didn't want to leave Hexham. It wasn't enjoyment, or attachment to my boyfriend, or hate of Liverpool. It was this burning feeling inside of me that I just couldn't leave... I realised this was the same thing that had driven me there in the first place, and I just couldn't understand it.
I'm in Liverpool now, but it seems that all the powers-that-be were trying to get me to turn back all the journey. I arrived at Preston to see no trains to Liverpool, so I asked and they said I needed a train to Wigan... I was confused, and frightened something was going wrong, and that I wouldn't be able to do that journey easily again. At Wigan, I saw that I needed a bus to Liverpool. I figured that there must be some sort of trouble with the train lines, just as I'd suggested to my boyfriend that there might have been.
I'm at home now, and I'm still not happy. I just want to leave right now, and I don't know why. I'm almost expecting something terrible to happen here, some reason why I should have stayed at home...
30 November, 2008
09 November, 2008
Can't Sleep, Won't Sleep
Urgh... it's 00.44 and I can't get to sleep. I always seem to distract myself right as I climb into bed, then all of my tiredness ebbs away.
Tonight, I got into bed and thought... what if I was in a car accident? A strange thought, I know, but I quite often make these scenarios in my head, especially before bed, and before I knew it I had amnesia where the only person I knew was my boyfriend, and we had to work out my memories from that!
By the time my imagination ramblings were beginning to slow down, I looked at the clock. It was about midnight, when I thought my boyfriend finished work, so I texted him asking if I could phone. A few minuets later, I got a text back saying that he actually finished at 1, tonight... Then, I stupidly replied 'I might talk to you if I'm awake then', which to me triggers something in my head which refuses to let me sleep. It's the same as trying to sleep when I know that something's on, like a TV or a computer... I just can't do it!
So now I'm time-wasting, half way through the night and more awake then I usually am half way through the day. And, typically, he won't be able to talk because of being too tired from work... hopefully just having nothing else to do will convince my brain to be tired again.
Tonight, I got into bed and thought... what if I was in a car accident? A strange thought, I know, but I quite often make these scenarios in my head, especially before bed, and before I knew it I had amnesia where the only person I knew was my boyfriend, and we had to work out my memories from that!
By the time my imagination ramblings were beginning to slow down, I looked at the clock. It was about midnight, when I thought my boyfriend finished work, so I texted him asking if I could phone. A few minuets later, I got a text back saying that he actually finished at 1, tonight... Then, I stupidly replied 'I might talk to you if I'm awake then', which to me triggers something in my head which refuses to let me sleep. It's the same as trying to sleep when I know that something's on, like a TV or a computer... I just can't do it!
So now I'm time-wasting, half way through the night and more awake then I usually am half way through the day. And, typically, he won't be able to talk because of being too tired from work... hopefully just having nothing else to do will convince my brain to be tired again.
27 September, 2008
I just need a hug
I've been in the University of Liverpool for just under a weak now and I'm absolutely loving it. I'm living in a flat with only two other people, and we're really close already - none of us can get over just how little time it has been since we got here. The night life is brilliant, and the guild is literally a one minuit walk away! How could it possibly be bad...?
Well, a couple of things, really...
My last post was complaining about my friend who hadn't told me all night what was happening. She explained that her phone was out of network, which didn't really explain how she couldn't just use the home phone or someone elses. Then, last night, she did it again. She told me it was because her room mate had all her friends around and she had to keep an eye on them, while she was on the phone to her Dad all night, but it still doesn't explain why she couldn't send one measly text. This is supposedly my best friend, and I just wish she hadn't come here. I feel like I should give her the benifit of the doubt and trust her, but I'm just sick of it all.
Also, Karl not being here is really starting to get to me now. I'm one step away from walking up to someone and asking for a hug, because I miss his so much. Still, I'll be back home on the 10th, and a rhythm should start on monday. That should help take my mind off stuff, right?
Well, a couple of things, really...
My last post was complaining about my friend who hadn't told me all night what was happening. She explained that her phone was out of network, which didn't really explain how she couldn't just use the home phone or someone elses. Then, last night, she did it again. She told me it was because her room mate had all her friends around and she had to keep an eye on them, while she was on the phone to her Dad all night, but it still doesn't explain why she couldn't send one measly text. This is supposedly my best friend, and I just wish she hadn't come here. I feel like I should give her the benifit of the doubt and trust her, but I'm just sick of it all.
Also, Karl not being here is really starting to get to me now. I'm one step away from walking up to someone and asking for a hug, because I miss his so much. Still, I'll be back home on the 10th, and a rhythm should start on monday. That should help take my mind off stuff, right?
20 September, 2008
Please.... Just don't make me say it...
It's the night before I leave for university and I'm crying on my bed, alone.
Why?
There was meant to be a big get together with my friend and her boyfriend with me and mine. I'd already got the dates wrong, thinking it might have been yesterday, so I made sure that I texted her early in the day so I would have a chance for her to reply. I know she doesn't have signal in her house so I wasn't surprised that she didn't reply. It was starting to get late, though, and I was even trying to stay on MSN and see if she was there, but to no avail.
At 8.30 I began to get annoyed and phoned up her house. Her dad told me that she was in the shower, I assumed it would be getting ready to go out. He said she would tell her to call me back. 3/4s of an hour went past with no word, so I called again. I was greeted again with her father, who told me she was on her way to the metrocenter of all places and apparently she'd told him that she'd already called back!
So I tried her mobile. For once, it was in signal, but after a while of phoning I heard a busy background, then silence. She'd hung up on me. That really hurt. I tried again and after a while it went to voicemail.
All the while I was hovering around the house, looking for things to do and waiting for some sort of reply. I was telling my mum and her boyfriend, and when they heard they told me it was disgraceful - leaving me on my last night in Hexham with no clue what to do. That was apparently not what I wanted to hear because I suddenly started crying. I ran back upstairs before they could see, texting her to call me when she could. She still hasn't.
I've been wanting to cry for a while. I think another bit that sparked me off was when I was talking about what I could do if my friend wasn't coming. I had to see Karl, but I didn't want to wait that long, and I really didn't want to go out again. To be honest, I didn't even want to see Karl. I still don't. I just want to be able to text him and say 'See you in a month'. I really don't want to say goodbye, and its making my tears come back just thinking about it. This is it - 100% goodbye for so long, without any chance of seeing him again before I go, and I just can't face that.
Please don't make me....
Why?
There was meant to be a big get together with my friend and her boyfriend with me and mine. I'd already got the dates wrong, thinking it might have been yesterday, so I made sure that I texted her early in the day so I would have a chance for her to reply. I know she doesn't have signal in her house so I wasn't surprised that she didn't reply. It was starting to get late, though, and I was even trying to stay on MSN and see if she was there, but to no avail.
At 8.30 I began to get annoyed and phoned up her house. Her dad told me that she was in the shower, I assumed it would be getting ready to go out. He said she would tell her to call me back. 3/4s of an hour went past with no word, so I called again. I was greeted again with her father, who told me she was on her way to the metrocenter of all places and apparently she'd told him that she'd already called back!
So I tried her mobile. For once, it was in signal, but after a while of phoning I heard a busy background, then silence. She'd hung up on me. That really hurt. I tried again and after a while it went to voicemail.
All the while I was hovering around the house, looking for things to do and waiting for some sort of reply. I was telling my mum and her boyfriend, and when they heard they told me it was disgraceful - leaving me on my last night in Hexham with no clue what to do. That was apparently not what I wanted to hear because I suddenly started crying. I ran back upstairs before they could see, texting her to call me when she could. She still hasn't.
I've been wanting to cry for a while. I think another bit that sparked me off was when I was talking about what I could do if my friend wasn't coming. I had to see Karl, but I didn't want to wait that long, and I really didn't want to go out again. To be honest, I didn't even want to see Karl. I still don't. I just want to be able to text him and say 'See you in a month'. I really don't want to say goodbye, and its making my tears come back just thinking about it. This is it - 100% goodbye for so long, without any chance of seeing him again before I go, and I just can't face that.
Please don't make me....
19 September, 2008
#I'm leaving today...#
Wow. This is really amazing. Today is saturday, 18.11, and on sunday morning I'm finally moving out of my home and beginning University. That's probably about 24 hours of awake time... maybe. Well, probably about 20 hours, if I can sleep on saturday night. My God, tonight is probably the last night I can sleep here in comfort, as my actual home, without being like a child on Christmas Eve.
I'm excited at the moment. I keep swapping between being insanely frightened to insanely excited. I'm getting pretty emotional about leaving my boyfriend for so long, though he really doesn't seem to understand why I'm like this. He even went so far as to call it 'ridiculous'.
I explained that it's mostly because I've expected him to just be near me for so long. Whenever I'm in a bad situation, or I'm feeling really shy about talking to people I don't know, my brain screams 'Where are you, Karl?" and he won't be there.
I can see how I'm being completely over the top. He explains how we're not exactly splitting up, we'll still be close emotionally and I'll be back soon anyway. My original plan was to be back for our one year anniversary, October 5th, but that seems much too soon. I'll have to see how I go. I'm meant to be baack for the 5th for our anniversary, 13th for my mums birthday, 31st for a halloween party and november 5th for a reunion with all my school friends. It seems that everything I'd been promised was fake; even if I'm leaving home and starting a whole new life, I'll still always be tied right back to here. Sometimes I feel like just cutting them all off - my boyfriend included - and trying to start afresh. In other words, run away.
No where seems to be mine anymore. My room is a bomb-site because its packed with bags and no cupboards because my sister took them for her room. She also demands that she should be able to stay in it whenever she wants. My room at my Nan's house doesn't have a bed in anymore because I'm getting a single bed instead of my double. The room that feels most like my own is actually Karl's, and that's not even mine!
I wish he could just be upset for me. I guess it stems from when we broke up for a few weeks in Febuary. We broke up all too "nicely". There were no tears or arguments and we did it so civally it felt like it had all meant nothing. Some things need to be cried at. It sounds so selfish but I just want to see him somehow hurt by this, otherwise it feels I'm just.... dispensible.
But I digress. The only way I can get through any of this is by thinking positively and excitedly. I'm going to meet all knew people and find out finally who I am without the cliches and standardising I've been put through all my life. It's my dream, and I think possibly the secret dream of most women; You walk in your old job or school and everyone notices and is amazed to see who you really are. This is my chance to make that real.
#I'm leaving today. Livin' it. Leavin' it to change.
Packing all my bags, I'm finally on the move.#
I'm excited at the moment. I keep swapping between being insanely frightened to insanely excited. I'm getting pretty emotional about leaving my boyfriend for so long, though he really doesn't seem to understand why I'm like this. He even went so far as to call it 'ridiculous'.
I explained that it's mostly because I've expected him to just be near me for so long. Whenever I'm in a bad situation, or I'm feeling really shy about talking to people I don't know, my brain screams 'Where are you, Karl?" and he won't be there.
I can see how I'm being completely over the top. He explains how we're not exactly splitting up, we'll still be close emotionally and I'll be back soon anyway. My original plan was to be back for our one year anniversary, October 5th, but that seems much too soon. I'll have to see how I go. I'm meant to be baack for the 5th for our anniversary, 13th for my mums birthday, 31st for a halloween party and november 5th for a reunion with all my school friends. It seems that everything I'd been promised was fake; even if I'm leaving home and starting a whole new life, I'll still always be tied right back to here. Sometimes I feel like just cutting them all off - my boyfriend included - and trying to start afresh. In other words, run away.
No where seems to be mine anymore. My room is a bomb-site because its packed with bags and no cupboards because my sister took them for her room. She also demands that she should be able to stay in it whenever she wants. My room at my Nan's house doesn't have a bed in anymore because I'm getting a single bed instead of my double. The room that feels most like my own is actually Karl's, and that's not even mine!
I wish he could just be upset for me. I guess it stems from when we broke up for a few weeks in Febuary. We broke up all too "nicely". There were no tears or arguments and we did it so civally it felt like it had all meant nothing. Some things need to be cried at. It sounds so selfish but I just want to see him somehow hurt by this, otherwise it feels I'm just.... dispensible.
But I digress. The only way I can get through any of this is by thinking positively and excitedly. I'm going to meet all knew people and find out finally who I am without the cliches and standardising I've been put through all my life. It's my dream, and I think possibly the secret dream of most women; You walk in your old job or school and everyone notices and is amazed to see who you really are. This is my chance to make that real.
#I'm leaving today. Livin' it. Leavin' it to change.
Packing all my bags, I'm finally on the move.#
02 September, 2008
A New Leaf
A lot has changed for me recently, over the last month. Yesterday was truly a starting point for me and a new life, being the first of the month.
Firstly, over the last month I am officially no longer an 'A-Level Student', but now a 'University Student'. I got a ABC in Maths, English Lit. and Physics (in that order) and a c in my further maths AS-Level. This was, unfortunately, not enough for me to get into Manchester, my university of choice, but instead I'm going to Liverpool University to study Pure Mathematics. I've always been very interested in that course, though a little worried that my sister is at the same uni. Now, however, I'm just so excited to get away! On the 21st I'll be out of here! I've already got just about everything I need, my accomodation has been sorted out and so have my student finances.... vaguely. The Student Loans Company is amazingly slow, and hasn't processed the form that says I'm going to Liverpool instead of Manchester yet. I was going to phone them yesterday, but I found myself busy with friends. I was also going to phone them today, but I had a migrane this morning, and I'm still feeling pretty bad from it.
As a stab at this new responsibility, I have began a student money diary. Basically, I have to write down every amount of money that I spend - it'll hopefully help curb my spendings and make it clear when money goes in and out of my account. Both very important.
Tomorow, as well as shouting at the SLC I also need to hand in my notice at my work. It's a real shame because I've genuinely enjoyed working there. It's even more annoying knowing that I'm moving to where their head-office is situated, but because they don't actually have any shops there I can't transfer.
It feels like life's going so fast suddenly and just leaving me behind. All the while going away just seems like such a long time away.
Firstly, over the last month I am officially no longer an 'A-Level Student', but now a 'University Student'. I got a ABC in Maths, English Lit. and Physics (in that order) and a c in my further maths AS-Level. This was, unfortunately, not enough for me to get into Manchester, my university of choice, but instead I'm going to Liverpool University to study Pure Mathematics. I've always been very interested in that course, though a little worried that my sister is at the same uni. Now, however, I'm just so excited to get away! On the 21st I'll be out of here! I've already got just about everything I need, my accomodation has been sorted out and so have my student finances.... vaguely. The Student Loans Company is amazingly slow, and hasn't processed the form that says I'm going to Liverpool instead of Manchester yet. I was going to phone them yesterday, but I found myself busy with friends. I was also going to phone them today, but I had a migrane this morning, and I'm still feeling pretty bad from it.
As a stab at this new responsibility, I have began a student money diary. Basically, I have to write down every amount of money that I spend - it'll hopefully help curb my spendings and make it clear when money goes in and out of my account. Both very important.
Tomorow, as well as shouting at the SLC I also need to hand in my notice at my work. It's a real shame because I've genuinely enjoyed working there. It's even more annoying knowing that I'm moving to where their head-office is situated, but because they don't actually have any shops there I can't transfer.
It feels like life's going so fast suddenly and just leaving me behind. All the while going away just seems like such a long time away.
31 August, 2008
A Quiz
Hey, I've decided to make one of those annoying little quiz things you always find on junk emails. This one should be interesting, though....
The Predictive Text Quiz:
First step: Whip your mobile out!
Second Step: Start in the text box and make sure its on predictive. If you've never used your phone in predictive before, this shouldn't make too much sense....
Third Step: Type the numbers beneath, making sure not to change the words you end up with. The words you get should tell something about you!
(1 stands for your punctuation mark. This may be a #, * or 0 instead, so just type that one!)
1) 2556
2) 223
3) 66
4) 63
5) 484
6) 666
7) 11
8) 111
9) 633
10) 366
11) 3668
12) 543
13) 46
14) 723
15) 346
16) 743
17) 7433
18) 4673
19) 966
20) 8278
21) 24
22) 749
23) 5483
24) 269
25) 5683
What this means!!
(If your word isn't here, you're 'unusual and mysterious' :))
1) 2665 -
'Cool' ~ You either think lots of things are great, or you live with bad weather
'Book' ~ Intellectual
'Cook' ~ Are you a chef?
2) 223 -
'Bad' ~ You're ambiguous and pessimistic
'Ace' ~ You're optimistic
3) 66 -
'No' ~ You're opinionated and corrective
'On' ~ You're organised
4) 63 -
'Of' ~ You're possessive
'Me' ~ You're egotistic
5) 484
'huh' ~ You're easily confused
'hug' ~ You're affectionate
'4th' ~ You're accurate
'Gtg' ~ You're caring
6) 666
'Non' ~ You're unimaginative
'Mom' ~ You're considerate
'Moo' ~ You're playful
'Noo' ~ You're cheeky
7) 11
':)' ~ You're a happy person
':(' ~ You're a depressing person
';)' ~ You're a playful person
'??' ~ You're confused a lot
'?!' ~ You're confused and frustrated a lot
'!!' ~ You're extreme
8) 111
':-)' ~ You're a happy person
':-(' or ':'(' ~ You're a depressing person
';-)' ~ You're a playful person
'???' ~ You're confused a lot
'!?!' or '?!?' ~ You're confused and frustrated a lot
'!!!' ~ You're extreme
'...' ~ You're impatient
'(!)' ~ You're sarcastic
9) 633
'Off' ~ You're controlling
'Odd' ~ You're judgmental
'Ned' ~ Are you scottish?
10) 366
'Don' ~ You're cautious (usually from 'Don't')
'Emo' ~ You're sterotypical
'Dom' ~ You like someone called Dom :)
11) 3668
'Foot' ~ You're aware
'Dont' ~ You can't use a '
'Font' ~ You are creative
12) 543
'Lie' ~ You're paranoid
'Kid' ~ You're patronising
'Lid' ~ You're hungry
13) 46
'In' ~ You're ready
'Go' ~ You're reclusive
14) 723
'Sad' ~ You are
'Pad' ~ You are a frog
'Rad' ~ You are not a surfer
15) 346
'Dim' ~ You're bright
'Ego' ~ You're judging
'Din' ~ You're sensitive
16) 743
'She' ~ You like to gossip
'Pie' ~ You like to eat
17) 7433
'Side' ~ You're neutral
'Ride' ~ You're adventurous
'Shed' ~ You're dirty
'Riff' ~ You're musical
18) 4673
'Hope' ~ You're hopeful
'Gore' ~ You're exciting
'Hose' ~ You're mundane
19) 966
'Won' ~ You're talented
'Zoo' ~ You're extravagent
'Woo' ~ You're childish
20) 946
'Who' ~ You're a secret doctor
'Win' ~ You're ambitious
21) 24
'Ah' ~ You're slow
'Bi' ~ You're opinionated
'B4' ~ you're resourceful
22) 749
'Six' ~ You're exact
'Shy' ~ You're shy
23) 5483
'Live' ~ You're ambitious
'Kite' ~ You're playful
24) 269
'Any' ~ You're easily pleased
'Boy' ~ You're patronising
'Box' ~ You're resourceful
'Bow' ~ You're traditional
'Cow' ~ You're rural
'Amy' ~ You love Amy
'Coz' ~ You're trendy
25) 5683
'Love' ~ You're affectionate
'Loud' ~ You're young
26) 233
'Bed' ~ You're flirty
'Add' ~ You're logical
'Bee' ~ You're natural
27) 686
'Nun' ~ You're religious
'Mum' ~ You're caring
The Predictive Text Quiz:
First step: Whip your mobile out!
Second Step: Start in the text box and make sure its on predictive. If you've never used your phone in predictive before, this shouldn't make too much sense....
Third Step: Type the numbers beneath, making sure not to change the words you end up with. The words you get should tell something about you!
(1 stands for your punctuation mark. This may be a #, * or 0 instead, so just type that one!)
1) 2556
2) 223
3) 66
4) 63
5) 484
6) 666
7) 11
8) 111
9) 633
10) 366
11) 3668
12) 543
13) 46
14) 723
15) 346
16) 743
17) 7433
18) 4673
19) 966
20) 8278
21) 24
22) 749
23) 5483
24) 269
25) 5683
What this means!!
(If your word isn't here, you're 'unusual and mysterious' :))
1) 2665 -
'Cool' ~ You either think lots of things are great, or you live with bad weather
'Book' ~ Intellectual
'Cook' ~ Are you a chef?
2) 223 -
'Bad' ~ You're ambiguous and pessimistic
'Ace' ~ You're optimistic
3) 66 -
'No' ~ You're opinionated and corrective
'On' ~ You're organised
4) 63 -
'Of' ~ You're possessive
'Me' ~ You're egotistic
5) 484
'huh' ~ You're easily confused
'hug' ~ You're affectionate
'4th' ~ You're accurate
'Gtg' ~ You're caring
6) 666
'Non' ~ You're unimaginative
'Mom' ~ You're considerate
'Moo' ~ You're playful
'Noo' ~ You're cheeky
7) 11
':)' ~ You're a happy person
':(' ~ You're a depressing person
';)' ~ You're a playful person
'??' ~ You're confused a lot
'?!' ~ You're confused and frustrated a lot
'!!' ~ You're extreme
8) 111
':-)' ~ You're a happy person
':-(' or ':'(' ~ You're a depressing person
';-)' ~ You're a playful person
'???' ~ You're confused a lot
'!?!' or '?!?' ~ You're confused and frustrated a lot
'!!!' ~ You're extreme
'...' ~ You're impatient
'(!)' ~ You're sarcastic
9) 633
'Off' ~ You're controlling
'Odd' ~ You're judgmental
'Ned' ~ Are you scottish?
10) 366
'Don' ~ You're cautious (usually from 'Don't')
'Emo' ~ You're sterotypical
'Dom' ~ You like someone called Dom :)
11) 3668
'Foot' ~ You're aware
'Dont' ~ You can't use a '
'Font' ~ You are creative
12) 543
'Lie' ~ You're paranoid
'Kid' ~ You're patronising
'Lid' ~ You're hungry
13) 46
'In' ~ You're ready
'Go' ~ You're reclusive
14) 723
'Sad' ~ You are
'Pad' ~ You are a frog
'Rad' ~ You are not a surfer
15) 346
'Dim' ~ You're bright
'Ego' ~ You're judging
'Din' ~ You're sensitive
16) 743
'She' ~ You like to gossip
'Pie' ~ You like to eat
17) 7433
'Side' ~ You're neutral
'Ride' ~ You're adventurous
'Shed' ~ You're dirty
'Riff' ~ You're musical
18) 4673
'Hope' ~ You're hopeful
'Gore' ~ You're exciting
'Hose' ~ You're mundane
19) 966
'Won' ~ You're talented
'Zoo' ~ You're extravagent
'Woo' ~ You're childish
20) 946
'Who' ~ You're a secret doctor
'Win' ~ You're ambitious
21) 24
'Ah' ~ You're slow
'Bi' ~ You're opinionated
'B4' ~ you're resourceful
22) 749
'Six' ~ You're exact
'Shy' ~ You're shy
23) 5483
'Live' ~ You're ambitious
'Kite' ~ You're playful
24) 269
'Any' ~ You're easily pleased
'Boy' ~ You're patronising
'Box' ~ You're resourceful
'Bow' ~ You're traditional
'Cow' ~ You're rural
'Amy' ~ You love Amy
'Coz' ~ You're trendy
25) 5683
'Love' ~ You're affectionate
'Loud' ~ You're young
26) 233
'Bed' ~ You're flirty
'Add' ~ You're logical
'Bee' ~ You're natural
27) 686
'Nun' ~ You're religious
'Mum' ~ You're caring
13 August, 2008
I am such an idiot....
Waiting for my results has got me amazingly stressed out. I'm counting down the hours, trying to think of something to do. I've been down the street, I've been on my laptop, been on my PS2 to try and beat some worthless demons out of my anxiety. I even tried to attempt at least the beginnings of an impossible, double-sided soduko jigsaw puzzle. The box says its impossible, but I suspect it's impossible not because it's a black and white, 529-piece jigsaw, but each of the pieces can fit together almost perfectly! That distraction did not last long.
My latest distraction was to go back onto my laptop and check if my student finance had all checked out, but then I've found that the website is down, typically. It's rather worrying that the people who are in charge of all my money can't even keep a website running.
Once online, I began talking to my friend on MSN. I was angry, anxious and I needed a rant. The conversation started out pretty normally, until the subject of the results came up. I told her that I was nervous, and she said she wasn't so much. "Yeah, its lucky for u i mean... uv almost already garenteed ur place + even if it all doesn't work out it doesn't make that much difference; you'll still be in the same place, with the same ppl".
I'd like to say that I'd forgotten the unfortunate circumstances which had lead her into getting such a good place close to home, but I was just in too much of a bad mood to let them affect my rant. She quickly reminded me, leaving me feeling guilty. I wanted to apologise over and over... but for some reason I just can't. I'm still so tense that I can't think properly, and I know that the less time dwelling on that subject would probably be best. I said I was sorry, but I still feel so badly.
I'm much too two-faced with this friend, anyway. I understand that sometimes she annoys me, and sometimes it boils me up inside, especially when I remember one awful thing she did to me on one terrible night. Other little things annoy me about her as well. But as much as these things get in the way, I know that apart from my boyfriend she is definitely my best friend and just about the only one I can talk to about just about anything. Even my boyfriend can't do that that well.
Now I'm in one of those moods where I feel terrible, with terrible nausea, but I'm purposefully not doing anything that I know can help me. Instead I turn in upon myself, attacking myself with guilt and more reasons to be guilty. Time has just slowed down completely to me... I still have six hours left of this day. I intend to stay awake until my results are on the internet; or at least my acceptance or denial into Manchester.
Wish me luck x x x x
My latest distraction was to go back onto my laptop and check if my student finance had all checked out, but then I've found that the website is down, typically. It's rather worrying that the people who are in charge of all my money can't even keep a website running.
Once online, I began talking to my friend on MSN. I was angry, anxious and I needed a rant. The conversation started out pretty normally, until the subject of the results came up. I told her that I was nervous, and she said she wasn't so much. "Yeah, its lucky for u i mean... uv almost already garenteed ur place + even if it all doesn't work out it doesn't make that much difference; you'll still be in the same place, with the same ppl".
I'd like to say that I'd forgotten the unfortunate circumstances which had lead her into getting such a good place close to home, but I was just in too much of a bad mood to let them affect my rant. She quickly reminded me, leaving me feeling guilty. I wanted to apologise over and over... but for some reason I just can't. I'm still so tense that I can't think properly, and I know that the less time dwelling on that subject would probably be best. I said I was sorry, but I still feel so badly.
I'm much too two-faced with this friend, anyway. I understand that sometimes she annoys me, and sometimes it boils me up inside, especially when I remember one awful thing she did to me on one terrible night. Other little things annoy me about her as well. But as much as these things get in the way, I know that apart from my boyfriend she is definitely my best friend and just about the only one I can talk to about just about anything. Even my boyfriend can't do that that well.
Now I'm in one of those moods where I feel terrible, with terrible nausea, but I'm purposefully not doing anything that I know can help me. Instead I turn in upon myself, attacking myself with guilt and more reasons to be guilty. Time has just slowed down completely to me... I still have six hours left of this day. I intend to stay awake until my results are on the internet; or at least my acceptance or denial into Manchester.
Wish me luck x x x x
12 August, 2008
The Rock
I've been thinking a lot about going to university and living far away from Karl, especially over this last weekend when Karl's been away. He was only away for the weekend, but it was still quite a shock to both of us; we both missed each other but in different ways. I missed him in the way that when I think of him I can almost feel his arms around me again, and get excited and anxious about when we'll next meet - an optimistic missing. Karl's more pessimistic; he seemed to me like in a self-destructive missing, thinking only of how terrible it was to be apart, rather then how good it was to be together.
When I think of it that way, my way seems a lot more productive, but in reality it just makes me feel guilty for not feeling as heart-broken as he was. I was resisting the urge to just tell him, "Karl! It was only a weekend!".
As we were walking from the train-station back to my house he told me "That was only the weekend, how are we going to last when you go to university?" It was a horrible thought to me because I confess that that 'break' was not completely good for me, either, for a different reason. I have a very different reaction to absence then him.
When I was alone tonight I decided to write a story about the different sorts of loves we have. The two characters inside were loosely based on me and Karl, set when I was in Uni in the middle of a long patch of not seeing one another. It explains that my love is like an animal which needs constant affection in order to stay healthy and alive; absence does not make my heart grow stronger until they are back. Only then do I realise just how much I missed him. Karl is different, and probably more normal. His love grows with his missing, as he creates in his mind of me being better then I actually am, becoming more hurt every day by the image. This is only an idea, however. Knowing my assumptions, it's probably all wrong.
We've always known that we argue more when we've been apart too long, instead of the usual reaction of annoying one another with being there too much.
So university will be a difficult time for both of us. I don't even know if I'll get into Manchester until Thursday, but there's enough likelihood to scare both of us. In the story I wrote, both characters get drunk and seduced, but both resist due to each others help; although it had a happy ending, it still upset me to write it, especially with the image of some floozy blond kissing 'Karl'.
But now I'm secure and happier. I came to a sudden realisation, when I was wondering if we're strong enough. It actually has very little to do with strength. The strength is important to back you up, but lasting through university is mostly about pure stubbornness. And there's no couple more stubborn then us.
When I think of it that way, my way seems a lot more productive, but in reality it just makes me feel guilty for not feeling as heart-broken as he was. I was resisting the urge to just tell him, "Karl! It was only a weekend!".
As we were walking from the train-station back to my house he told me "That was only the weekend, how are we going to last when you go to university?" It was a horrible thought to me because I confess that that 'break' was not completely good for me, either, for a different reason. I have a very different reaction to absence then him.
When I was alone tonight I decided to write a story about the different sorts of loves we have. The two characters inside were loosely based on me and Karl, set when I was in Uni in the middle of a long patch of not seeing one another. It explains that my love is like an animal which needs constant affection in order to stay healthy and alive; absence does not make my heart grow stronger until they are back. Only then do I realise just how much I missed him. Karl is different, and probably more normal. His love grows with his missing, as he creates in his mind of me being better then I actually am, becoming more hurt every day by the image. This is only an idea, however. Knowing my assumptions, it's probably all wrong.
We've always known that we argue more when we've been apart too long, instead of the usual reaction of annoying one another with being there too much.
So university will be a difficult time for both of us. I don't even know if I'll get into Manchester until Thursday, but there's enough likelihood to scare both of us. In the story I wrote, both characters get drunk and seduced, but both resist due to each others help; although it had a happy ending, it still upset me to write it, especially with the image of some floozy blond kissing 'Karl'.
But now I'm secure and happier. I came to a sudden realisation, when I was wondering if we're strong enough. It actually has very little to do with strength. The strength is important to back you up, but lasting through university is mostly about pure stubbornness. And there's no couple more stubborn then us.
26 July, 2008
The Desire to Run Never Fades
This is a very personal post to me... I'm not a good poet; not when I'm talking about complicated matters, anyway. I'm not going to harm the name of poetry in an attempt to write this as one, as I was originally going to. I've got a flair for telling some things as they are, emotions included.
I'm sometimes a very depressive sort of girl. Maybe its the extra hormones recently being pumped into my body, too. I just tell people that I'm so happy all of the time that I can't physically get any happier - things which are meant to improve my mood have the opposite effect on me. In a way, it's true.
When I was young, I was fascinated by the thought of running away. I think I may have actually packed my bags a couple of times, hiding them in my cupboard so no one would realise my plan. There was actually no reason to get away; I was a pretty happy child. My plans would always fail, however: I could never stay awake long enough to sneak out.
I distinctly remember one specific night, however. I opened my eyes to see it was pitch black against the light pouring in from the streetlamp just outside. I turned my head to the side, and I knew instantly that if I was ever going to run away it would be now. I cuddled back into my quilt, thinking to myself 'Why?' before falling asleep again.
I had been very young then. It was after that that I started to realise how serious my desire to run was. It was probably Year 10 or 11, so I was approximately 15 - a perfectly conscious and responsible for my actions. I was acting strange, and I still had the imaginary friends of childhood at that age constantly talking to me. I remember the day quite clearly. It was the first day back to school after a two week holiday, and I just looked at my school things and realised I couldn't bare to go back to it. I couldn't bare the continuous lessons in their structured order, the monotonous drone of being trapped.
The 'cotton covered world'. I refered to it as that when I was running away from it. Nothing was hurting me, nothing was making any indent on my life. It never even rained when I was outside, I was certain. Life was 'too good', and I crumbled.
I put on my top under my school uniform. I packed my bag, not with school things but with clothes, money and a book. I went downstairs, practically shaking. I couldn't think, because I knew fine well that if I just paused and thought about it then I wouldn't go through with it. I couldn't even wait until the time I was meant to leave, making the excuse I wanted to buy some things before I got to school. Well, I did. I needed food for my journey.
My plan was to ride a train into Newcastle or Carlistle, knowing it would be easier to live in a city, and I'd be less likely to be caught. Unfortunately, my paranoia caught hold. I needed to avoid the train-station until school was over, and I needed to avoid the school and my Mum's work. I found a route directly between all of the places and went that way - towards the park. I didn't want to stop there, though, and wait for school to end. I needed to keep walking. I'd hit a city eventually, right? Or at least a town with a train station?
I think I took the worst route possible. Over six hours later I was still walking, practically in tears, as a car pulled up towards me. It was a man, and I'm not joking when I say I completely didn't care what he did to me. A part of me was even begging that he was some sort of murdering rapist. Turns out he was actually an ex-policeman, however, of all the ironies. He told me that he had just undergone three heart attacks, and now he had a new aspiration to help people. Pretty amazing. He took me to the police office, where they called my mum.
On the ride home, only a couple of minutes after we got in the van a huge blizzard began. "Look, you were almost in that." the policeman told me. Another irony. I was grateful, but only a few minutes ago I would have been wanting that.
I still can't look at the top I was wearing that day without thinking of what happened. It was stupid and selfish and I will never make the same mistake again.
But then I'm brought to the reason why I began to write this, and why I've named this blog 'The Desire to Run Never Fades'. It doesn't. About a month ago I had been out drinking - my first night getting drunk in a pub. So we decided to go to the park because none of us wanted to go home and no where but a night-club was open. There was me, my boyfriend, my best friend and her boyfriend. Karl was wondering about and the other two were in their own little world. I looked out across the field, suddenly realising I wanted to go. I didn't care how, I just wanted to get out of there. I started walking, slowly, across the grass away from them. It took them a little while for them to notice how far ahead I was getting, when they had to call me back. Even then, it took some will-power.
A couple of days ago I was in the metrocenter with my boyfriend again. We were walking around a very quiet area and we paused, just for a second, and I felt that same urge again as I watched the way out. I feel claustrophobic when surrounded by happiness.
The last two times have been down to two chemcials which are meant to make you happier; alcohol and sugar. It was pointed out to me that they often have the opposite effect. Happiness will kill me one of these days, but as long as I enjoy it that's fine by me.
I'm sometimes a very depressive sort of girl. Maybe its the extra hormones recently being pumped into my body, too. I just tell people that I'm so happy all of the time that I can't physically get any happier - things which are meant to improve my mood have the opposite effect on me. In a way, it's true.
When I was young, I was fascinated by the thought of running away. I think I may have actually packed my bags a couple of times, hiding them in my cupboard so no one would realise my plan. There was actually no reason to get away; I was a pretty happy child. My plans would always fail, however: I could never stay awake long enough to sneak out.
I distinctly remember one specific night, however. I opened my eyes to see it was pitch black against the light pouring in from the streetlamp just outside. I turned my head to the side, and I knew instantly that if I was ever going to run away it would be now. I cuddled back into my quilt, thinking to myself 'Why?' before falling asleep again.
I had been very young then. It was after that that I started to realise how serious my desire to run was. It was probably Year 10 or 11, so I was approximately 15 - a perfectly conscious and responsible for my actions. I was acting strange, and I still had the imaginary friends of childhood at that age constantly talking to me. I remember the day quite clearly. It was the first day back to school after a two week holiday, and I just looked at my school things and realised I couldn't bare to go back to it. I couldn't bare the continuous lessons in their structured order, the monotonous drone of being trapped.
The 'cotton covered world'. I refered to it as that when I was running away from it. Nothing was hurting me, nothing was making any indent on my life. It never even rained when I was outside, I was certain. Life was 'too good', and I crumbled.
I put on my top under my school uniform. I packed my bag, not with school things but with clothes, money and a book. I went downstairs, practically shaking. I couldn't think, because I knew fine well that if I just paused and thought about it then I wouldn't go through with it. I couldn't even wait until the time I was meant to leave, making the excuse I wanted to buy some things before I got to school. Well, I did. I needed food for my journey.
My plan was to ride a train into Newcastle or Carlistle, knowing it would be easier to live in a city, and I'd be less likely to be caught. Unfortunately, my paranoia caught hold. I needed to avoid the train-station until school was over, and I needed to avoid the school and my Mum's work. I found a route directly between all of the places and went that way - towards the park. I didn't want to stop there, though, and wait for school to end. I needed to keep walking. I'd hit a city eventually, right? Or at least a town with a train station?
I think I took the worst route possible. Over six hours later I was still walking, practically in tears, as a car pulled up towards me. It was a man, and I'm not joking when I say I completely didn't care what he did to me. A part of me was even begging that he was some sort of murdering rapist. Turns out he was actually an ex-policeman, however, of all the ironies. He told me that he had just undergone three heart attacks, and now he had a new aspiration to help people. Pretty amazing. He took me to the police office, where they called my mum.
On the ride home, only a couple of minutes after we got in the van a huge blizzard began. "Look, you were almost in that." the policeman told me. Another irony. I was grateful, but only a few minutes ago I would have been wanting that.
I still can't look at the top I was wearing that day without thinking of what happened. It was stupid and selfish and I will never make the same mistake again.
But then I'm brought to the reason why I began to write this, and why I've named this blog 'The Desire to Run Never Fades'. It doesn't. About a month ago I had been out drinking - my first night getting drunk in a pub. So we decided to go to the park because none of us wanted to go home and no where but a night-club was open. There was me, my boyfriend, my best friend and her boyfriend. Karl was wondering about and the other two were in their own little world. I looked out across the field, suddenly realising I wanted to go. I didn't care how, I just wanted to get out of there. I started walking, slowly, across the grass away from them. It took them a little while for them to notice how far ahead I was getting, when they had to call me back. Even then, it took some will-power.
A couple of days ago I was in the metrocenter with my boyfriend again. We were walking around a very quiet area and we paused, just for a second, and I felt that same urge again as I watched the way out. I feel claustrophobic when surrounded by happiness.
The last two times have been down to two chemcials which are meant to make you happier; alcohol and sugar. It was pointed out to me that they often have the opposite effect. Happiness will kill me one of these days, but as long as I enjoy it that's fine by me.
13 July, 2008
Pretty. Odd.? Pretty Much....
I've been meaning to review this album, Panic at the Disco's 'Pretty. Odd.', for some time now and now I finally have the chance. I'm no music specialist - when it comes to music I'm usually actually tone deaf, but this album makes me feel like I should do this, if only to come to a conclusion of whether it's really good or really bad.
Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the highly unimaginative title. I think every review of this album ever made will probably have a name which is very similar to that (not that I've read any).
'Pretty. Odd.' is Panic's attempt at making a more fun, 'mature' album. You only had to skim the front covers of many music magazines, which is exactly what I did, to know that they were certainly happy about reforming and 'growing up'. Put into simple terms, this means that they were sick of the emo stereotype which they had gained from the last album and wanted to break out of it.
What exactly did this transformation include, then? Well, firstly and rather pointlessly you'll notice that the name has changed. They are no longer 'Panic! at the Disco', but they somehow misplaced their exclamation mark in their attempt to reach an older market. Because we all know that those over the age of 14 are allergic to exclamation marks...
The second thing I noticed - and these are all before you even put the CD on - is the titles. I remember a slight disappointment with turning over the CD case and not finding 'Insert some really long but vaguely witty name in here', but much shorter, more to the point names: the sort of names that you can associate with the songs. Admittedly, last time it was slightly annoying that I could never quiet remember which one was which between such classics as 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off' and 'The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage', but the names were all a part of the added fun. Fall Out Boy has managed to keep the names well, but that's because there are also many which have simple names so there are only a few to remember.
But now we finally get around to putting the CD in the machine. Brilliant. The first song is fun, but sounds a lot like 'Nine in the Afternoon', the single they released, filling me with dread that the whole album would be extremely 'same-y'. This is manageable, however, as the message it's singing has calmed another of my worries. Many 'Panic!' fans may have been worried that they are no longer the fun, slightly dark, fast-paced band they once were, especially when they released 'Nine in the Afternoon', a song that sounds a lot more like something The Feeling would have released. But, never fear! 'You don't have to worry 'cause we're still the same band', apparently. Hmmm....
Still, the song is actually quiet catchy for being a minute and a half long, and there's that sugary sweet 'We were busy writing songs for you' which is cheesy as hell but you can't help lap it up.
Then the album moves onto it's first single, the one that half-made you buy it and half- almost stopped you from buying it. This song would definitely seem out of place in the old album, and when you're in the queue you can't help wondering 'would I buy this is it wasn't Panic!?'. But I happen to be a big fan of The Feeling, so this didn't sway me too much. The title is one of those rare ones that makes you think for quite a while, wondering just how a nine in the afternoon is possible. I'm sure it is, I just haven't thought of it yet.
This is where the album starts getting worse, I'm afraid. From here, it turns into a recording jam of every type of genre available all put together. I worked out that the band seems to think harmonies = grown up music, and they exploit this as much as possible, especially now that you can hear two singers in almost every song.
Most of the lyrics in the songs don't really make too much sense, but instead of talking gibberish (Like 'Mad as Rabbits', it's last song) most of them give the false impression that they might make sense, and you keep searching for meanings to every line. There's always a vague plot, but it is vague.
There are a few gems in there that really work. 'Do You Know What I'm Seeing?' is a well composed song with some really nice lyrics, with it's only downfall is that those nice lyrics are repeated quiet a lot. It's a song that you can clearly see the video of, even though I'm pretty sure they haven't released it as a single: people will be holding up cardboard cut-outs of clouds and suns and dancing around with umbrellas in white suits. Listen to the song and you'll know what I'm on about.
I'll never know why they released That Green Gentlemen. It's a pretty average song. They probably only released it because it has the lyric 'Things are looking up to be Pretty. Odd.', and it generally fits the overall feeling of the album.
I'm also slightly confused why the worst part of this album seems to last the longest when it's less then half of the songs. When it starts to get better, it does work, particularly in my favourite song 'When the Day Met the Night'. This is possibly the only song on the album where the words can be read as a poem or a story and make perfect sense, and the story of the poor moon and the sun meeting and falling in love is sweet and the singing is perfectly in tune, even if I manage to ruin it by singing along. And, in the traditional Panic! way, they make the best use of instruments that you wouldn't necessarily see on stage.
The next song is just fun for the sake of fun, which is perfectly fine and puts a smile on your face. The band has managed to make you feel warm inside, then followed by a fun, dancey march which has a chorus that makes you want to punch the air for some reason. Ok, so it's slightly egotistical 'The greatest thing you'd ever imagine... imagine knowing me' but this can be excused because you're enjoying it too much to listen to the lyrics properly anyway.
I must be rambling, listing each of the songs, but this one particularly needs mentioning: 'The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know,' is two great songs. Not one. It's one mismatched, bizarre emotion rollercoaster of a song that just leaves you feeling deprived of both songs, which both tease you by sounding quiet good. Shame.
By now if you're listening you will have worked out that this is just a jumble sale of lots of different, traditionally older and harmonious songs which, as good as a lot of them are, don't fit together and quiet often miss the mark altogether. 'Behind the Sea' is a breather song as you wait patiently for the next one, but then to find there's now a folk song, aptly named 'Folkin' Around'. Despite appearances, it's probably one of the best songs on the album. Fun, fast and catchy. Also, unlike most, you can sing along to it easily.
Leading on to my friend's favourite song, 'She had the World'; it has a very similar feeling to 'When the Moon Met the Sun', instead following a spoilt brat. I have to admit, the lyric I don't love you, I'm just passing the time hits the spot right. Unfortunately, they're obviously not used to this old, carnival style they've tried to use and a lot of the words don't fit the spaces right and they sound... fumbly. This song, even though its good, is a good example of how they fail sometimes simply because they're trying to many things at the same time.
The album has got better and better. It even seems to sound slightly more like old Panic! in the lyrics to 'From a Mountian in the Middle of the Cabins', a song that also seems to have very little to do with the song. Unfortunately, there's no way you could mistake this style with the old one. 'Mad as Rabbits' seems to be more like the old style with the singer's speed of singing, but it's still too... childish. It's ironic that panic's 'grown up' album sounds a lot more childish then the other.
And that's the album over. The ending is like reading Harry Potter; you started it because it was meant to be good. As the books progressed, you found yourself ageing so they appeared to be getting younger and younger. There were parts where you hated it, only pushing yourself forward because you felt you should finish what you'd started and then, as soon as it was starting to get good and you were starting to like them, it all ended in a anti-climax.
Everytime I think of this album, I think of it as alright, nothing special. But every time I listen to it I'm impressed and fall in love with it again, even if it is majorly flawed.
I'm a loyal Panic! at the Disco fan. I'm wearing their t-shirt now, displaying the exclamation mark with pride. I like Panic at the Disco but I'm glad that my computer doesn't recognise them as the same band, because despite what they promised, they just aren't. If you're in the mood to listen to Pretty. Odd., follow it by The Feeling or Will Young or The Zutons. If you're in the mood to listen to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, listen to Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance or maybe even Linkin Park. See the difference?
Lucky I love them both.
Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the highly unimaginative title. I think every review of this album ever made will probably have a name which is very similar to that (not that I've read any).
'Pretty. Odd.' is Panic's attempt at making a more fun, 'mature' album. You only had to skim the front covers of many music magazines, which is exactly what I did, to know that they were certainly happy about reforming and 'growing up'. Put into simple terms, this means that they were sick of the emo stereotype which they had gained from the last album and wanted to break out of it.
What exactly did this transformation include, then? Well, firstly and rather pointlessly you'll notice that the name has changed. They are no longer 'Panic! at the Disco', but they somehow misplaced their exclamation mark in their attempt to reach an older market. Because we all know that those over the age of 14 are allergic to exclamation marks...
The second thing I noticed - and these are all before you even put the CD on - is the titles. I remember a slight disappointment with turning over the CD case and not finding 'Insert some really long but vaguely witty name in here', but much shorter, more to the point names: the sort of names that you can associate with the songs. Admittedly, last time it was slightly annoying that I could never quiet remember which one was which between such classics as 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off' and 'The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage', but the names were all a part of the added fun. Fall Out Boy has managed to keep the names well, but that's because there are also many which have simple names so there are only a few to remember.
But now we finally get around to putting the CD in the machine. Brilliant. The first song is fun, but sounds a lot like 'Nine in the Afternoon', the single they released, filling me with dread that the whole album would be extremely 'same-y'. This is manageable, however, as the message it's singing has calmed another of my worries. Many 'Panic!' fans may have been worried that they are no longer the fun, slightly dark, fast-paced band they once were, especially when they released 'Nine in the Afternoon', a song that sounds a lot more like something The Feeling would have released. But, never fear! 'You don't have to worry 'cause we're still the same band', apparently. Hmmm....
Still, the song is actually quiet catchy for being a minute and a half long, and there's that sugary sweet 'We were busy writing songs for you' which is cheesy as hell but you can't help lap it up.
Then the album moves onto it's first single, the one that half-made you buy it and half- almost stopped you from buying it. This song would definitely seem out of place in the old album, and when you're in the queue you can't help wondering 'would I buy this is it wasn't Panic!?'. But I happen to be a big fan of The Feeling, so this didn't sway me too much. The title is one of those rare ones that makes you think for quite a while, wondering just how a nine in the afternoon is possible. I'm sure it is, I just haven't thought of it yet.
This is where the album starts getting worse, I'm afraid. From here, it turns into a recording jam of every type of genre available all put together. I worked out that the band seems to think harmonies = grown up music, and they exploit this as much as possible, especially now that you can hear two singers in almost every song.
Most of the lyrics in the songs don't really make too much sense, but instead of talking gibberish (Like 'Mad as Rabbits', it's last song) most of them give the false impression that they might make sense, and you keep searching for meanings to every line. There's always a vague plot, but it is vague.
There are a few gems in there that really work. 'Do You Know What I'm Seeing?' is a well composed song with some really nice lyrics, with it's only downfall is that those nice lyrics are repeated quiet a lot. It's a song that you can clearly see the video of, even though I'm pretty sure they haven't released it as a single: people will be holding up cardboard cut-outs of clouds and suns and dancing around with umbrellas in white suits. Listen to the song and you'll know what I'm on about.
I'll never know why they released That Green Gentlemen. It's a pretty average song. They probably only released it because it has the lyric 'Things are looking up to be Pretty. Odd.', and it generally fits the overall feeling of the album.
I'm also slightly confused why the worst part of this album seems to last the longest when it's less then half of the songs. When it starts to get better, it does work, particularly in my favourite song 'When the Day Met the Night'. This is possibly the only song on the album where the words can be read as a poem or a story and make perfect sense, and the story of the poor moon and the sun meeting and falling in love is sweet and the singing is perfectly in tune, even if I manage to ruin it by singing along. And, in the traditional Panic! way, they make the best use of instruments that you wouldn't necessarily see on stage.
The next song is just fun for the sake of fun, which is perfectly fine and puts a smile on your face. The band has managed to make you feel warm inside, then followed by a fun, dancey march which has a chorus that makes you want to punch the air for some reason. Ok, so it's slightly egotistical 'The greatest thing you'd ever imagine... imagine knowing me' but this can be excused because you're enjoying it too much to listen to the lyrics properly anyway.
I must be rambling, listing each of the songs, but this one particularly needs mentioning: 'The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know,' is two great songs. Not one. It's one mismatched, bizarre emotion rollercoaster of a song that just leaves you feeling deprived of both songs, which both tease you by sounding quiet good. Shame.
By now if you're listening you will have worked out that this is just a jumble sale of lots of different, traditionally older and harmonious songs which, as good as a lot of them are, don't fit together and quiet often miss the mark altogether. 'Behind the Sea' is a breather song as you wait patiently for the next one, but then to find there's now a folk song, aptly named 'Folkin' Around'. Despite appearances, it's probably one of the best songs on the album. Fun, fast and catchy. Also, unlike most, you can sing along to it easily.
Leading on to my friend's favourite song, 'She had the World'; it has a very similar feeling to 'When the Moon Met the Sun', instead following a spoilt brat. I have to admit, the lyric I don't love you, I'm just passing the time hits the spot right. Unfortunately, they're obviously not used to this old, carnival style they've tried to use and a lot of the words don't fit the spaces right and they sound... fumbly. This song, even though its good, is a good example of how they fail sometimes simply because they're trying to many things at the same time.
The album has got better and better. It even seems to sound slightly more like old Panic! in the lyrics to 'From a Mountian in the Middle of the Cabins', a song that also seems to have very little to do with the song. Unfortunately, there's no way you could mistake this style with the old one. 'Mad as Rabbits' seems to be more like the old style with the singer's speed of singing, but it's still too... childish. It's ironic that panic's 'grown up' album sounds a lot more childish then the other.
And that's the album over. The ending is like reading Harry Potter; you started it because it was meant to be good. As the books progressed, you found yourself ageing so they appeared to be getting younger and younger. There were parts where you hated it, only pushing yourself forward because you felt you should finish what you'd started and then, as soon as it was starting to get good and you were starting to like them, it all ended in a anti-climax.
Everytime I think of this album, I think of it as alright, nothing special. But every time I listen to it I'm impressed and fall in love with it again, even if it is majorly flawed.
I'm a loyal Panic! at the Disco fan. I'm wearing their t-shirt now, displaying the exclamation mark with pride. I like Panic at the Disco but I'm glad that my computer doesn't recognise them as the same band, because despite what they promised, they just aren't. If you're in the mood to listen to Pretty. Odd., follow it by The Feeling or Will Young or The Zutons. If you're in the mood to listen to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, listen to Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance or maybe even Linkin Park. See the difference?
Lucky I love them both.
It's Been A While...
My last post was in May, and it's now July, so I admit that it's been a little while since I've blogged. I have no more exams and now I can only hope and pray that I've got everything all sorted. I'm still going out with my boyfriend, so that's 4/9 months of being half of a happy couple (we can never agree which date to take it from). I have a steady Saturday job, though I'm currently trying to get another job as I need more money and they have no more work to offer me.
All in all, life is going quiet well.
I was talking to my friend the other day, and she told me 'It's so strange! I feel married!'. I knew exactly what she meant. She and her boyfriend have been going out for four months, the same period of time as me and my boyfriend's most recent joining. So technically we've been going out longer then them, and we're different sorts of 'couples' but I still understand.
I'm barely away from Karl, generally spending more time at his house then my own, with the constant paranoia that I'm intruding on his life and taking all his food, which is ironic as I usually refuse food, especially at his house.
I never seem to have time to do basic things like simply staying at home and listening to music in my room, and we've almost lost the ability to do that now. "I don't know how I managed to stay indoors all day," he told me at only about four o'clock one day. I used to spend hours on end just typing away my story or reading or just doing absolutely nothing, but now I miss him if I'm doing nothing for over an hour. It's a strange feeling; I miss him, but I don't always want him. I've got to admit sometimes I feel like just refusing to see him, just so I can remember who 'Dani' is, and not just 'Dani and Karl'. I never do refuse to see him, though, because I can't resist and even if I did I know he's a stubborn fool. Bless.
Today I am spending a 'me' day, though. Which is why after two long months I can finally get back to this blog. I'm only managing today because he's at work, however, at the convenient time of two until nine. I'm sure he doesn't consider it convenient, however.
He'll come home from work, having slaved away at that awful place McDonald's for too little money, ever striving for that stupid promotion they've been hanging over him like a carrot since the day he got there. He'll get on the train, possibly phone me, possibly asking if I want to come to his house. How can I refuse, when I really actually do want to go? I'd go, sleep, comfort, and we'd practically be married. The tiredness, money troubles, stress but overall comfort and warmth all included.
I think I could live with that.
All in all, life is going quiet well.
I was talking to my friend the other day, and she told me 'It's so strange! I feel married!'. I knew exactly what she meant. She and her boyfriend have been going out for four months, the same period of time as me and my boyfriend's most recent joining. So technically we've been going out longer then them, and we're different sorts of 'couples' but I still understand.
I'm barely away from Karl, generally spending more time at his house then my own, with the constant paranoia that I'm intruding on his life and taking all his food, which is ironic as I usually refuse food, especially at his house.
I never seem to have time to do basic things like simply staying at home and listening to music in my room, and we've almost lost the ability to do that now. "I don't know how I managed to stay indoors all day," he told me at only about four o'clock one day. I used to spend hours on end just typing away my story or reading or just doing absolutely nothing, but now I miss him if I'm doing nothing for over an hour. It's a strange feeling; I miss him, but I don't always want him. I've got to admit sometimes I feel like just refusing to see him, just so I can remember who 'Dani' is, and not just 'Dani and Karl'. I never do refuse to see him, though, because I can't resist and even if I did I know he's a stubborn fool. Bless.
Today I am spending a 'me' day, though. Which is why after two long months I can finally get back to this blog. I'm only managing today because he's at work, however, at the convenient time of two until nine. I'm sure he doesn't consider it convenient, however.
He'll come home from work, having slaved away at that awful place McDonald's for too little money, ever striving for that stupid promotion they've been hanging over him like a carrot since the day he got there. He'll get on the train, possibly phone me, possibly asking if I want to come to his house. How can I refuse, when I really actually do want to go? I'd go, sleep, comfort, and we'd practically be married. The tiredness, money troubles, stress but overall comfort and warmth all included.
I think I could live with that.
15 May, 2008
From Hexham to Manchester in 4 "easy" grades
I come from a small town which I have lived in all of my life, situated right between Carlistle and Newcastle in the North East of England. Well, I say 'North East' but geographically it's the exact middle. There's even a pub called 'The Heart of All England' because it used to be placed almost exactly on the georgraphical center of the UK, until they added a couple more islands.
But you probably didn't actually know any of that because it's such a remote place. A lot of people say it's the best of the countryside and the city, sceneic with plenty of history and a huge shopping mall only a few minuits away on a train.
I am, however, a city girl, and therefore I cannot stand the quiet, stale town. My escape plan has been made ever since I could think clearly. Get the grades, get to uni, never look back. I recently decided on the university I want to go and what I want to study and now the difficulty is reaching the grades.
I've already been accepted, and now I need to reach my grades: A in Maths A-level, B in English Lit A-level, B in Physics A-level and b in Further Maths AS.
I suppose I could get the grades but I have many things against me. Firstly, the fact that I'm on the computer instead of revising; I'm terrible at motivating myself to work outside of school hours. Secondly, I struggle with Physics. Last year I got a C overall, but I managed to push that half up to a B with a resit. I NEED to get the grades first time this time.
I'm sure I'll be alright. Eventually.
But you probably didn't actually know any of that because it's such a remote place. A lot of people say it's the best of the countryside and the city, sceneic with plenty of history and a huge shopping mall only a few minuits away on a train.
I am, however, a city girl, and therefore I cannot stand the quiet, stale town. My escape plan has been made ever since I could think clearly. Get the grades, get to uni, never look back. I recently decided on the university I want to go and what I want to study and now the difficulty is reaching the grades.
I've already been accepted, and now I need to reach my grades: A in Maths A-level, B in English Lit A-level, B in Physics A-level and b in Further Maths AS.
I suppose I could get the grades but I have many things against me. Firstly, the fact that I'm on the computer instead of revising; I'm terrible at motivating myself to work outside of school hours. Secondly, I struggle with Physics. Last year I got a C overall, but I managed to push that half up to a B with a resit. I NEED to get the grades first time this time.
I'm sure I'll be alright. Eventually.
05 May, 2008
And Now I'm Rambling....
I apologise for the depressing tone of the last post, and I haven't found a cause for it yet, other then what I stated. I will return to the intellectual, formal essays that I began this blog with soon, but at the moment I'm a little more preoccupied with another thing; my Birthday.
Yes, in approximately 4 hours I will officially be 18 years of age, and with that I will be able to drink alcohol and earn more money. Isn't it bizarre that despite the fact I was born in the early hours of the morning I still wait for exactly 00.00 to call myself 18, but then again so does everyone.
At the big 1-8, you find yourself looking at what you have and haven't done in life, and where you thought you'd be now. Being on the computer to wind away the final hours of childhood was predictable, even from when I was young. And I've always had a passion for writing, so it's no surprise that I'm typing away right now.
There is a lot of things that I didn't expect, however. For one thing, I never expected to be in love, and caught up in someone else. I've always found myself as a independent, singular person, especially with relationships, so this is a surprise. I also completely did not expect to be holding a bear while typing, occassionally squeezing its chest to hear a mechanical heartbeat.
I guess I always expected to be out on the town, with a glass filled with a highly alcoholic liquid - well, probably Baileys - singing away the last few minuits, surrounded by friends.
So, what caused this difference? Is it the fact that I've changed, or just circumstances? My birthday being on Tuesday didn't help matters, especially on the day after May Day. I also have a disliking of pubs, especially when there's always a chance that I'll be IDed and thrown out, so I wouldn't find myself out tonight anyway. But I'm not doing anything for this special occassion, even when I can legally drink.
It's strange how many people say to me "Oh, I didn't do anything for my 18th either". You always expect that it would be the one where you would go out and party even more then any other because it's special. but that's exactly the reason why people don't. We've been celebrating every party before this one - the one that you look forward to your whole life - and now to make it stand out we just give up and relax, and do exactly what you want.
Maybe I'll have a drink at midnight, then get back to sleep.
Yes, in approximately 4 hours I will officially be 18 years of age, and with that I will be able to drink alcohol and earn more money. Isn't it bizarre that despite the fact I was born in the early hours of the morning I still wait for exactly 00.00 to call myself 18, but then again so does everyone.
At the big 1-8, you find yourself looking at what you have and haven't done in life, and where you thought you'd be now. Being on the computer to wind away the final hours of childhood was predictable, even from when I was young. And I've always had a passion for writing, so it's no surprise that I'm typing away right now.
There is a lot of things that I didn't expect, however. For one thing, I never expected to be in love, and caught up in someone else. I've always found myself as a independent, singular person, especially with relationships, so this is a surprise. I also completely did not expect to be holding a bear while typing, occassionally squeezing its chest to hear a mechanical heartbeat.
I guess I always expected to be out on the town, with a glass filled with a highly alcoholic liquid - well, probably Baileys - singing away the last few minuits, surrounded by friends.
So, what caused this difference? Is it the fact that I've changed, or just circumstances? My birthday being on Tuesday didn't help matters, especially on the day after May Day. I also have a disliking of pubs, especially when there's always a chance that I'll be IDed and thrown out, so I wouldn't find myself out tonight anyway. But I'm not doing anything for this special occassion, even when I can legally drink.
It's strange how many people say to me "Oh, I didn't do anything for my 18th either". You always expect that it would be the one where you would go out and party even more then any other because it's special. but that's exactly the reason why people don't. We've been celebrating every party before this one - the one that you look forward to your whole life - and now to make it stand out we just give up and relax, and do exactly what you want.
Maybe I'll have a drink at midnight, then get back to sleep.
02 May, 2008
Emoness
Today's blog is a vague blog, without really much thread, but that's pretty much the sort of mood I'm in. Previously, you've seen me writing full scaled articles on whichever topic I feel completely strongly about at that time, but today I just don't feel particularly strongly. The fuzzy numbness which seems to even force down the sides of your lips has overcome me.
In my first blog, I mentioned that blogs can be 'the rantings of a teenage girl', or something along those lines. This is that side of 'Just Another Bl*gging Day'.
Over the last few days, I've been feeling depressed and frequently on the verge of tears. I've had to act coldly my boyfriend, sometimes, just because I don't want to see him affected by my own problems. 'Problems'? Problems suggests something that can be dealt with, or a traumatic incident. This is more a case of 'emo'.
I'm sure there are thousands of 'emos' with actually horrific problems, and thousands that keep to the stereotype without ever feeling upset or even being tempted to buy a razor blade for anything other then shaving. The standard stereotype is, however, that 'emos' are depressed, suicidal and live in higher-class, almost flawless upbringings.
Don't instantly label this as hypocritical. First appearances can be deceiving. A great novel, Veronica Decides To Die, makes a good point about this; when there is danger in a community, stress will rise but depression and suicide will decline. You only ever feel depressed when you have the option to be depressed.
Little doses of unhappiness and trauma can actually be beneficial, although you'd probably disagree when you're going through that.
This is why I'm always very cautious when my life is seemingly going perfect: A loving boyfriend, a good potential future, an escape plan, and a fast approaching birthday. No wonder I feel so depressed.
In my first blog, I mentioned that blogs can be 'the rantings of a teenage girl', or something along those lines. This is that side of 'Just Another Bl*gging Day'.
Over the last few days, I've been feeling depressed and frequently on the verge of tears. I've had to act coldly my boyfriend, sometimes, just because I don't want to see him affected by my own problems. 'Problems'? Problems suggests something that can be dealt with, or a traumatic incident. This is more a case of 'emo'.
I'm sure there are thousands of 'emos' with actually horrific problems, and thousands that keep to the stereotype without ever feeling upset or even being tempted to buy a razor blade for anything other then shaving. The standard stereotype is, however, that 'emos' are depressed, suicidal and live in higher-class, almost flawless upbringings.
Don't instantly label this as hypocritical. First appearances can be deceiving. A great novel, Veronica Decides To Die, makes a good point about this; when there is danger in a community, stress will rise but depression and suicide will decline. You only ever feel depressed when you have the option to be depressed.
Little doses of unhappiness and trauma can actually be beneficial, although you'd probably disagree when you're going through that.
This is why I'm always very cautious when my life is seemingly going perfect: A loving boyfriend, a good potential future, an escape plan, and a fast approaching birthday. No wonder I feel so depressed.
26 April, 2008
Want Something Kept Secret? Post it on the Internet!
I always get confused about people’s paranoia about the internet: something about the entire world being connected seems to scare people sometimes, especially when it’s concerning something people really don’t want to be spoken aloud.
Frequently on the television, usually the news, they’ll post an analogy about the internet. In one example, the presenter was in the middle of a busy mall, shouting his details through a speaker to illustrate the danger of handing out your information to ‘dodgy’ websites.
Firstly, what is meant by a ‘dodgy’ website? Almost anyone who knows a bit about computers, especially those who specifically scam people using them, would know exactly how to make an impressive looking website. But for every scam, there are so many more websites which work, and if you were still worried then paypal is the sensible option. It’s a well-known and trusted name which would really suffer with any bad feedback.
Obviously, as soon as it says anything about an inheritance in a foreign country, ignore it. Yes, it might be real, but it’s really not worth checking. The same goes for most charities online as well, unless they’re a well known company.
So, generally, you can trust your bank details on the internet, in the right place, and nowadays even if you buy in a store then your details very possibly may be sent via the internet anyway.
The main thread of this blog was meant to be about the social side of the internet, however. There’s a lot of controversy about the safety of posting your deepest feelings to the internet. The main reason is that it’s split into two types of thinkers: the ‘I don’t want to put it where everyone will read it’ and the others.
‘The others’ is a little more complex, with conflicting issues. We, (because I am strictly a believer in this view) realise that by putting it on the internet then the whole world has access to it but we also realise… who would want to? As the proud owner of at least 5 websites, all of which have probably been seen by about 50 people, tops, I realise that no one cares about yet another person jabbering on. And these were actually advertised websites, too, not ones which just faded into the background. If you want someone to read what you say then you have to work amazingly hard.
The few people that do actually view these websites are a very small amount and are more then likely from a distinctly foreign country or from somewhere that you neither know nor care about. If someone you will never knows something, then why is it a bad thing they know?
You might be wondering what the point of this is. If no one’s going to find it, what’s the point of posting it onto the internet? Well, sometimes it’s just good to tell someone something that’s really burning you up inside. In the real world, it’s almost impossible to express all of your feels to someone who is completely outside and impartial, without sounding like a crazy person or paying far too much money for a psychiatrist. The internet is just the tool to express your secrets to real people who just don’t give a damn.
For those who want to try this, I suggest the following (optional) steps:
>>>Use a website that isn’t based on connectivity. Bebo, MySpace and anything else like this is a bad idea if you don’t want people who actually know you to find you. Freewebs and Blogster are good examples.
>>>Use an internet alias. Possibly even make a second one if the first one is used commonly within your friends.
>>>Don’t tell anyone about it you know, even if you really want to show it. You may regret it later if you want to add more.
>>>If you actually want input to your problems, then I’d recommend Help.com. You can even post anonymously, and the best thing is no one’s ever heard of it!
>>>Don’t use people’s real names.
If you have a secret, one of the safest places to say it is the internet. For those of you who still don’t believe me, there is a hitcounter positioned at the bottom of this screen. Instead of counting how many page views there are (I have a habit of going backwards and forwards onto a webpage) it counts the amount of viewers there have been since it was put there. It was placed there before I began this article. It started on 1 (for me). It is still on 1. So, maybe there won’t be anyone to disagree with me.
23 April, 2008
This is What Love Looks Like
As a 17-year-old girl, I admit that I am not most experienced in Love. I’ve experienced love for convenience, friendship disguised cunningly as love, and recently I believe I have experienced True Love: the sort of feeling that, although you realise that a relationship doesn’t have to last forever to be special, you still want it to last forever. This is rare, especially for someone as cautious and literal minded as I am who usually views things as lasting for ALAP (As Long As Possible), rather then the dreaded word ‘forever’. I can honestly say I am not an expert, however, as I have only felt this way for a couple of months, and therefore still have the cautious view that this is again friendship in disguised (but with 99% accuracy I can say this isn’t true).
What I’m getting at is that each feeling I have is new, and as a tourist to this new emotion I find things which are interesting. The point this time that I found was about the image of what we fall in love with.
The trail of thought began with a standard moment of insecurity which everyone makes, spoken aloud by my boyfriend. I think it was about weight – after all, it usually is, even with the slimmest of people – and my response was a typical cliché line ‘you look fine the way you are. You shouldn’t lose or gain a pound,’ and I’m not the sort to lie. I did, and genuinely still do, think that he is the perfect weight and build.
Then I realised that clearly it wasn’t going to be a very honest opinion. Everything about him I began to realise was under the rose-tinted spectacles, and I only realised this when, almost desperately, I had to keep a hold of the image I had of him the moment that I fell in love.
Is this just a single incident, or is it really the same for every relationship, and possibly the secret towards failing and succeeding relationships? If every time someone fell in love they fell in love with the exact, complete form that they saw their lover as, then a lot of things would be explained.
Firstly, the failure of young love: In our earliest years, we develop more then throughout the rest of our lives, and if we fall in love with someone while they are growing older, then they are obviously going to change. This image isn’t just physical appearance; it is merely how we perceive the other half, which is largely personality. As someone we are interested in changes, we begin to sub-consciously lose interest, even if they become more beautiful and well-rounded people.
But then why do some young loves last, I hear you ask? Well, the key is to fall in love over and over again. If there is a way to actually do this purposefully, then I would like to know. As far as I know, there is no way, and the ability to do so is purely accidental and unrelated to the strength of the love or the characters falling in love.
Another example of the use of this theory is why the rate of divorce and bad relationships is on the increase. Blame the sanctity of marriage being destroyed, morality being corrupted or the general state of the world, if you wish, but the fact of the matter is that many couples who find themselves making the pledge to stay together forever and genuinely mean it find themselves mistaken, where many more may have stayed together only a few years earlier. But our world is changing constantly at a faster rate then ever before, especially the people. Our views, appearance, and even personality can be manipulated in a moment.
There are exceptions to the rule. There are many couples who break up for reasons other than this. People can sometimes change the image in their mind to one that is either more or less realistic to the actual partner over time. A lack of communication is a main cause of the image blurring and seemingly less attainable.
And the couples who manage to brave it all to last forever? Well, there are either two explanations: Either they continue to fall in love again and again, or the more likely option that their original image was either vague or based on something that never changes, such as an aspect of their personality, a sense of humour or even just that certain smile.
Does this theory always hold, or is this just co-incidence? Either way, I don’t think I’ll be risking an extreme make-over anytime soon…
What I’m getting at is that each feeling I have is new, and as a tourist to this new emotion I find things which are interesting. The point this time that I found was about the image of what we fall in love with.
The trail of thought began with a standard moment of insecurity which everyone makes, spoken aloud by my boyfriend. I think it was about weight – after all, it usually is, even with the slimmest of people – and my response was a typical cliché line ‘you look fine the way you are. You shouldn’t lose or gain a pound,’ and I’m not the sort to lie. I did, and genuinely still do, think that he is the perfect weight and build.
Then I realised that clearly it wasn’t going to be a very honest opinion. Everything about him I began to realise was under the rose-tinted spectacles, and I only realised this when, almost desperately, I had to keep a hold of the image I had of him the moment that I fell in love.
Is this just a single incident, or is it really the same for every relationship, and possibly the secret towards failing and succeeding relationships? If every time someone fell in love they fell in love with the exact, complete form that they saw their lover as, then a lot of things would be explained.
Firstly, the failure of young love: In our earliest years, we develop more then throughout the rest of our lives, and if we fall in love with someone while they are growing older, then they are obviously going to change. This image isn’t just physical appearance; it is merely how we perceive the other half, which is largely personality. As someone we are interested in changes, we begin to sub-consciously lose interest, even if they become more beautiful and well-rounded people.
But then why do some young loves last, I hear you ask? Well, the key is to fall in love over and over again. If there is a way to actually do this purposefully, then I would like to know. As far as I know, there is no way, and the ability to do so is purely accidental and unrelated to the strength of the love or the characters falling in love.
Another example of the use of this theory is why the rate of divorce and bad relationships is on the increase. Blame the sanctity of marriage being destroyed, morality being corrupted or the general state of the world, if you wish, but the fact of the matter is that many couples who find themselves making the pledge to stay together forever and genuinely mean it find themselves mistaken, where many more may have stayed together only a few years earlier. But our world is changing constantly at a faster rate then ever before, especially the people. Our views, appearance, and even personality can be manipulated in a moment.
There are exceptions to the rule. There are many couples who break up for reasons other than this. People can sometimes change the image in their mind to one that is either more or less realistic to the actual partner over time. A lack of communication is a main cause of the image blurring and seemingly less attainable.
And the couples who manage to brave it all to last forever? Well, there are either two explanations: Either they continue to fall in love again and again, or the more likely option that their original image was either vague or based on something that never changes, such as an aspect of their personality, a sense of humour or even just that certain smile.
Does this theory always hold, or is this just co-incidence? Either way, I don’t think I’ll be risking an extreme make-over anytime soon…
The World of the Blog
As a writer, I often have a creative urge to put things into written form. As a scientist, I often see things from new and interesting perspectives which are difficult to bring up into a normal conversation. Naturally, the obvious solution was to combine my writing with my thoughts, but this is easier said then done. Studying English Literature at A-Level has neatly categorised texts into three piles; Prose, Play and Poetry, each with their own specifications and strengths but none of which suiting the needs of a good explanation. This enlightened me on a new, modern type of text: The Blog.
Technically speaking, the blog would be a sub-group of prose, standing tall against the genres of essays and novels. Even more technically speaking, a blog would be considered as a form, or evolution, of an essay: Indeed, a blog has all of the flexibility of an essay, and is certainly almost always non-fiction, but a blog is also adaptable in language and tone. This, for example, is an extremely formal tone, especially for a blog. If I had chosen to, I could have spoken colloquially, saying 'this is a canny posting thing', or, even worse, in my opinion, I could have begun 'itz alreet + brb lol'.
At this point I'd like to point out that I have no problem with the evolution of our written language. Shortening the way we write simple words has always been a part of our culture, from the adaptation of the word 'to-day' to simply 'today' to even more extreme examples. It is human nature to be lazy with things which we are forced to repeat, and our language is no exception.
The same feeling applies to creating new words such as 'brb' and 'lol', both of which I use frequently online, though would never say aloud. These were created for a purpose. In the example of 'lol', it was not only to save time but to allow the person on the other side to understand what the tone of the conversation was. In a world where everything is written quickly and to the point, it is very easy to misinterperate a written conversation. For this, plays and prose have stage directions of descriptions, but there are none of these on MSN, AOL or any other instant messenger, and the sentence 'I hate you' and 'I hate you lol' can be read as the same thing. When speaking or in other forms of writing, the difference is obvious, so a modern form of writing needs its own 'stage directions'.
What I am against, however, is the mutilation of the English language. I don't mean to sound like an out-of-touch middle-aged woman ranting, because that couldn't be further from the truth, but when someone starts talking to you with 'y's instead of 'i's, missing out every 'e' and generally replacing almost every letter with one or two which are different, you truly think 'what is the point?'. You may think that this is a time saving device at first glances - it does sometimes look slightly smaller then what it would have been if typed properly - but I assure you, it's not. This text-style of writing is a skilled art which you can't learn instantly; when typing, your fingers do not look for a 'y' when there is meant to be an 'i', and it takes just as long to actively think about not putting in that extra 'e' as it does to put it in. The writing does, admittedly, become easy and then eventually faster to type then standard English, but then all that time saved is completely ruined when all you recieve (after a few seconds) a simple 'huh?'.
It is this new language gap that makes the blog one of the most unique and interesting forms of writing. Because of this freedom of style, the blog can be enjoyed and written by almost every type of person; age, social class, education and even actual ability bare no restrictions towards to creator and reader. There are no restrictions of subject matter (assuming it is abiding by the terms and conditions of the webhost) and because there is such a large populatity over the new genre, writing becomes a inspirational challenge to get your voice heard. If you want to, that is, because there is a personal closeness to a blog which is close to reading someone's diary, sometimes.
Where else in the history of the world can you write a fully structured essay about the pros and cons of internets answer to literature, and have next to it the inner struggles of a 17-year-old girl coping with her latest heartache? No where.
Technically speaking, the blog would be a sub-group of prose, standing tall against the genres of essays and novels. Even more technically speaking, a blog would be considered as a form, or evolution, of an essay: Indeed, a blog has all of the flexibility of an essay, and is certainly almost always non-fiction, but a blog is also adaptable in language and tone. This, for example, is an extremely formal tone, especially for a blog. If I had chosen to, I could have spoken colloquially, saying 'this is a canny posting thing', or, even worse, in my opinion, I could have begun 'itz alreet + brb lol'.
At this point I'd like to point out that I have no problem with the evolution of our written language. Shortening the way we write simple words has always been a part of our culture, from the adaptation of the word 'to-day' to simply 'today' to even more extreme examples. It is human nature to be lazy with things which we are forced to repeat, and our language is no exception.
The same feeling applies to creating new words such as 'brb' and 'lol', both of which I use frequently online, though would never say aloud. These were created for a purpose. In the example of 'lol', it was not only to save time but to allow the person on the other side to understand what the tone of the conversation was. In a world where everything is written quickly and to the point, it is very easy to misinterperate a written conversation. For this, plays and prose have stage directions of descriptions, but there are none of these on MSN, AOL or any other instant messenger, and the sentence 'I hate you' and 'I hate you lol' can be read as the same thing. When speaking or in other forms of writing, the difference is obvious, so a modern form of writing needs its own 'stage directions'.
What I am against, however, is the mutilation of the English language. I don't mean to sound like an out-of-touch middle-aged woman ranting, because that couldn't be further from the truth, but when someone starts talking to you with 'y's instead of 'i's, missing out every 'e' and generally replacing almost every letter with one or two which are different, you truly think 'what is the point?'. You may think that this is a time saving device at first glances - it does sometimes look slightly smaller then what it would have been if typed properly - but I assure you, it's not. This text-style of writing is a skilled art which you can't learn instantly; when typing, your fingers do not look for a 'y' when there is meant to be an 'i', and it takes just as long to actively think about not putting in that extra 'e' as it does to put it in. The writing does, admittedly, become easy and then eventually faster to type then standard English, but then all that time saved is completely ruined when all you recieve (after a few seconds) a simple 'huh?'.
It is this new language gap that makes the blog one of the most unique and interesting forms of writing. Because of this freedom of style, the blog can be enjoyed and written by almost every type of person; age, social class, education and even actual ability bare no restrictions towards to creator and reader. There are no restrictions of subject matter (assuming it is abiding by the terms and conditions of the webhost) and because there is such a large populatity over the new genre, writing becomes a inspirational challenge to get your voice heard. If you want to, that is, because there is a personal closeness to a blog which is close to reading someone's diary, sometimes.
Where else in the history of the world can you write a fully structured essay about the pros and cons of internets answer to literature, and have next to it the inner struggles of a 17-year-old girl coping with her latest heartache? No where.
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