Wow. This is really amazing. Today is saturday, 18.11, and on sunday morning I'm finally moving out of my home and beginning University. That's probably about 24 hours of awake time... maybe. Well, probably about 20 hours, if I can sleep on saturday night. My God, tonight is probably the last night I can sleep here in comfort, as my actual home, without being like a child on Christmas Eve.
I'm excited at the moment. I keep swapping between being insanely frightened to insanely excited. I'm getting pretty emotional about leaving my boyfriend for so long, though he really doesn't seem to understand why I'm like this. He even went so far as to call it 'ridiculous'.
I explained that it's mostly because I've expected him to just be near me for so long. Whenever I'm in a bad situation, or I'm feeling really shy about talking to people I don't know, my brain screams 'Where are you, Karl?" and he won't be there.
I can see how I'm being completely over the top. He explains how we're not exactly splitting up, we'll still be close emotionally and I'll be back soon anyway. My original plan was to be back for our one year anniversary, October 5th, but that seems much too soon. I'll have to see how I go. I'm meant to be baack for the 5th for our anniversary, 13th for my mums birthday, 31st for a halloween party and november 5th for a reunion with all my school friends. It seems that everything I'd been promised was fake; even if I'm leaving home and starting a whole new life, I'll still always be tied right back to here. Sometimes I feel like just cutting them all off - my boyfriend included - and trying to start afresh. In other words, run away.
No where seems to be mine anymore. My room is a bomb-site because its packed with bags and no cupboards because my sister took them for her room. She also demands that she should be able to stay in it whenever she wants. My room at my Nan's house doesn't have a bed in anymore because I'm getting a single bed instead of my double. The room that feels most like my own is actually Karl's, and that's not even mine!
I wish he could just be upset for me. I guess it stems from when we broke up for a few weeks in Febuary. We broke up all too "nicely". There were no tears or arguments and we did it so civally it felt like it had all meant nothing. Some things need to be cried at. It sounds so selfish but I just want to see him somehow hurt by this, otherwise it feels I'm just.... dispensible.
But I digress. The only way I can get through any of this is by thinking positively and excitedly. I'm going to meet all knew people and find out finally who I am without the cliches and standardising I've been put through all my life. It's my dream, and I think possibly the secret dream of most women; You walk in your old job or school and everyone notices and is amazed to see who you really are. This is my chance to make that real.
#I'm leaving today. Livin' it. Leavin' it to change.
Packing all my bags, I'm finally on the move.#
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