The trouble with healing

I went to the doctors today. I feel like I've both achieved a lot and nothing at all. She asked me if I would like a counsellor but I was skeptical. Talking never really ever has done anything but make my depression worse, the last thing I need is to face more. I have been given some anti-depressants, which I've been told to seriously consider before I take them since most people end up staying on them for a year. With my history of depression, I imagine mine may be even longer. So, two steps forwards, two steps back.

I've realised something strange, though. Cutting was the line I said I had crossed and so needed help. There is plenty of help sites on the Internet, though all seem particularly patronising... But when it comes to help with self harm I found myself confused. I found an online leaflet which had the title 'this is or those unhappy with their self harming' and it made me think... Am I unhappy with self harming?

My doctor told me she would never ask someone to stop cutting if it helped them do more serious things. And right now I do want the depression to go away, I need it to so desperately. But self harm is the only thing that makes me smile, laugh, able to sleep and get through the next day. I don't want to be reliant on something so harmful, but it's my one pleasure in life that I have right now.

I want to stop being in a place where I feel the need to cut, but I don't want to stop my guilty pleasure. I hate being reliant on it, but I love it so.

But I would like to be able to wear a swimming costume... Though with the amount of bruises on my legs from work a couple of cuts wouldn't be noticeable at all.

Filthy liar

I've just had an eye appointment. I've just made a doctors appointment and a hair appointment. And I told the optician that my health was fine. So what was I meant to say? That I have a doctors appointment for no reason? It kind of feels like that now, since I partly don't feel like I was lying when I said my health was fine.

I told them that I'd been having trouble seeing things due to stress, which is what I can understand to be true. But boy did I downplay it. I think the only reason why I don't say the line 'it's fine' more than I do because I write a character who goes through life saying that and it frustrates everyone around him. Some days there's little difference between myself and my characters.

I looked in the mirror today, looked at myself and imagined the shorter hair I missed. It is an odd feeling to muse about being a man while putting on makeup. Sometimes I think I'd make a better man than a woman, though by far it's not enough to justify doing anything or even thinking about it as a problem. As I said, I was putting on make up, I have jewelry, and while this is a once in a blue moon thing to do, it's also a once in a blue moon start.

I don't want to go to the doctors on Friday. I feel like it's nothing, maybe it is nothing. Surely it is pointless to go for something not only petty, but a feeling I've fought off for years. This isn't my first depression, nor will it be my last I hate to say. I have dealt before, but I've never faced anything quite like this before. I cut myself, surely that's the line to ask for help? But the only reason im excepting that as the line is because there are no other lines from now but the point of no return.

More

Writing helps me a lot during the difficult times. I don't turn to writing because I feel that it helps, though. I turn to it because I feel that I need it. When I can't allow myself to have other breaks to this feeling, to stop myself from doing something as harmless as typing a few words would be stupid.

I have told two of my friends how far I've been going through this. I have strict orders to go to make a doctors app tomorrow, which is fair and good advice. And though I know it's right, I still want to talk myself out of it. I don't want to go. I feel like I known what they'll say anyway, but at the same time I don't know. Bit if someone can help break this I'll take that chance.

So, tomorrow is doctors and eye appointment. I hope at least one of them can help me.

Ive found I'm even suffering at work. I feel lost, unwilling to take on more jobs especially when they include talking to the customer. And I live in a place where 'alright' is a greeting. No, thank you, I'm not alright.

At least I've been talking to my friends in Liverpool. I think the chance to live with at least one of them might be really achievable. The hard part is of course getting the job in the first place. Difficult while you don't live there and websites have much to be desired.

I still need to check out pgl for a job. Apparently they offer accommodation with a job. I'll look into it now.

Days to forget

*emo emo emo*

For the record, I don't particularly enjoy writing about depression. It's depressing. I don't like writing about self harming or thoughts of suicide or whatever, because really they sound like cries for attention and with anyone else I would assume that they are. That's entirely why yesterday was the very first day that I told anyone at all. But when you sit and know that without distraction you will no doubt take some kind of sharp object to your skin, writing is so very theraputic.

Today was a.... well, I can't decide if it was a good day or a bad day. I feel like I have my best friend, a friend that I know will always be there for me and that finally I can talk to someone - someone that'd not on the other side of a computer screen - about anything. And while this is of course a good thing, you end up dragging up the bad with such depth that as soon as you are left alone you are left spiralling back into the mosquito nest of depression.

So I have come to several conclusions. Firstly, if I can read a book in a week, then I will let myself open to the oppurtunity of possibly starting a English course. If I don't manage that, then really there is no point.

Secondly, either way I want to move to Liverpool. I have friends there, a sense of purpose there, I know which streets are good and which aren't, where is cheap and where to avoid, and there's such a strong student life that when I need a house, if I can't convince some of the friends who already live there to find a place with me, there are many places with a place for me. I need to get out of this place. I need to get away. And I need aspiration.

I need an end.

Good days and bad days

Why is it that the best days are always so shortly followed by the worst? Now I am a woman of logic and statistics, I know that surely this can't be true, but it certainly seems to be the case here.

Yesterday was amazing. Work was incredibly fun, we got mcdonalds and everything, and then I spent my evening talking to my friend on skype, having a lovely bath and a cheeky glass of baileys.

Today, however, has not been so good. I woke up to find my alarm hadnt gone off, though luckily I was still in good time for work. But then at work, everything that could have gone wrong did. I won't go into details, since my company might kill me, bit needless to say it was just 'one of those days'. And now I'm with my best friend who is crying over her lost boyfriend, who has hardly been fair to her at all, and me debating whether to tell her that I need a hospital appointment, or that for the past few weeks I have been cutting myself.

Congrats to me, that's the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone. Not that that really counts as anyone. Now, to see what's taking her so long....